Learning to forgive oneself
By Taru Bahl

THERE are people who find it relatively easier to forgive others their indiscretions and bloomers. When wronged, they have the ability to put the mishap behind and resume normal ties with those who have played villain or spoil-sport. What they find difficult is forgiving themselves.

They set high personal standards and goals. When plans go awry and expectations are not met with, they feel miserable failures who must be penalised.

Even when superiors choose to overlook the blunder, they mope around repeating their non-performance to all and sundry. Their negative attitude and drop in work output become glaringly obvious and it is not long before they are denied promotion. They promptly ascribe it to their past mistake whereas it has little to do with it directly. Had they wanted they could have worked doubly hard, produced better results, proven to others and to themselves their capacity to make up for their wrong doing.

People who take themselves too seriously are often rigid. They follow a regimented lifestyle and have a "this or that" approach. They view life in shades of black and white. Also what they consider correct, they expect others believe and endorse. When conflicts arise, they magnify problems, creating tension for everyone. When mistakes are committed unintentionally, they worry incessantly and undertake painful flashbacks as they try to pinpoint reasons for their faux pas. They drive people crazy with their mooning and repetitive "sorrying". Their self-esteem too takes a dip.

There are times when many of us intentionally indulge in "bad" and "unacceptable" behaviour. We say rude things to a friend, deliberately choose not to bail out a cousin in trouble, allow a colleague to make a mistake and take the flak and fight with our parents. Once the moment of anger and provocation has passed, we go on a massive guilt trip, feeling pathetically apologetic about our incorrigible and unforgiving behaviour.

There are times when our anger may have been justified yet we insist on punishing ourselves and thereby atoning for our "sins". Such individuals may be morally upright and even high achievers but are they necessarily happy? Can’t they loosen up, accept the fact that they are fallible and that they need not be crucified for making mistakes? Are they not entitled to their share of fun, of having people loving them and their continuing to reap rewards of a successful and affluent lifestyle, in spite of the stray mistakes they make, feet they trample over and losses they make people incur?

Why spend an entire life in punishment? However justified the wrong, does it have to turn the mind into a little courtroom where the harshest judgement awaits? Bulimia is an eating disorder where the person first gorges on food and then punishes himself by forcibly throwing up. The pleasure of eating is taken away by the strong guilt feelings associated with an indulgence one felt one didn’t deserve. A normal guilt-free person would either go on a strict diet backed by an iron will, which allows moments of indulgent weaknesses. He knows the choice is his — to eat or not eat. He can always compensate by jogging an extra mile.

Or he has no problems with his weight and physical appearance. Not for him any diet or food restriction. He loves himself the way he is. Therefore, the person who insists on punishing himself has to first learn to relax, let go and most importantly feel comfortable with the way he is.

People go through their entire lives punishing themselves mentally and physically for what they believe are their shortcomings. They over or under eat, turn into alcoholics and/or workaholics. They deprive themselves of comforts which they are otherwise entitled to. They systematically destroy their relationships. At the root of this suffering is the belief that, "I have done a lot of bad things, I am guilty and I don’t deserve to be successful, happy and healthy".

There are times they punish themselves not because they are in the wrong but because they want to penalise others for their mistakes. If they feel their parents have deprived them of love and a decent education they may grow up and do all the things which would prove to them their inadequacy and "mistake". So they take up jobs which are not commensurate with their potential, they shirk responsibility so that they don’t get promotions on time, they keep complaining and getting into scraps with people to reveal their insecurities and personality disorders — all to "show" their parents the result of their inadequate upbringing.

By destroying themselves, they are squaring up with their parents. Whether or not the wrong is justified, they fail to see the extent of damage they are doing to themselves. A constructive approach would have been to acquire skills and a positive attitude, which would enable them to rise above their background instead of diminishing their strengths and living an apology of a life.

When a relationship breaks up because of say our infidelity or suffocating over-possessiveness we punish ourselves by ensuring we get into a series of unstable relationships which are over before they even start. This is our way of telling ourselves and the person whom we loved, "that look I have penalised myself by ensuring that I remain unhappy and wretched". Soon we become victims of our self-created circumstances and end up burning out, devoid of happiness and love.

What we fail to do is, throw out the guilt. We forget that it is our choice what we make of our lives. Unlike the acorn which can neither grow into a giant tree nor turn into edible food for the squirrels, we have a choice. By shedding the fatalistic attitude we must give ourselves a break, a chance to re-establish broken, snapped ties and to rectify the wrongs we have committed by ensuring they aren’t repeated.

The best thing to do on finding out that one has faltered, is to accept it immediately and willingly. Rather than waste time arguing or justifying, get down to serious damage control. Treat mistakes as learning lessons.

By being rigid one only creates blockages in the mind. To grow, one has to be flexible and flowing. For, that which is rigid and blocked will atrophy and die. Forgiveness need not imply overlooking mistakes or not analysing why things went wrong. Forgiving others and ourselves has to be a very conscious decision. Without jumping to conclusions, assess the situation. Ask others who were present at that time for their non-judgmental reaction. Stop to examine the self-proclaimed verdict. Is it an exaggeration, an over-reaction, situation of crying wolf? Can it be forgotten and forgiven? If others are willing to give us a chance why not grab it and make sure they don’t regret it ever. Forgiveness is an indication to try again, to do better, to be freed from the penalties and shackles of our past mistakes.

When we forgive ourselves with the enlightened knowledge of realisation, we become doubly careful not to make the same mistakes, do the same hurtful things and behave in the same offensive manner.

We end up becoming better human beings who are more compassionate, understanding and sensitive. We not only radiate happiness but also end up being happier. Perhaps that is the reason why many people who marry the second time round find their marital lives less turbulent because they don’t make the same mistakes all over again. Once bitten twice shy they have introspected, accepted and learnt from past mistakes.