NET WISDOM

This time we take a somewhat lighter look at net wisdom. It is all a matter of perception and we do believe that wisdom does not have to be ponderous. It can come from reactions to various sayings (especially those of Dan Quale, that famous former US Vice President), as well as attempting to define the un-definable, as our first item shows:

A teenager

It is one of the most awkward notions to define, but here is an interesting attempt from the net:

Teenager (noun)

1) A mammal found extensively throughout the planet, often clustered in groups in front of television sets (See Sloth’s). Thought to be a member of Homo Sapiens due to physical similarities, though social and emotional behaviour leads many researchers to consider Teenagers to be a completely different species altogether (See Parents). Very territorial. (See it’s My Room Stay Out Of My Room.)

Teenagers are extraordinarily social animals, seeking contact with their peer groups to such a great extent they will forgo family, chores, food, and responsibility (See Fathers, Quotations Of). The males of the species forage for food constantly (See McDonald’s) and can consume three times their weight every day. When in full plumage, the males are usually drab, marked by loose fitting garments which slide off their backsides and look ridiculous (See Fathers, Quotations Of).

The females, on the other hand, sport striking colours under their eyes, throughout their hair, and on the tips of their fingers. Females often attract males by wearing garments to accentuate chest development). Males indicate their approval by staring at the display (See Fathers, Heart Attacks Of). The call of the female is complex and shrill: "Like, O m’Gosh! O m’ Gosh!" Males are less vocal, signalling to other males with a salutatory "Yo. Yo. Yo. S’up? S’up? S’up?"

Teenagers line their nests with discarded undergarments. The females hold telephone receivers to their ears for an average of six hours a day. When challenged for possession, they snarl and warn intruders "I’m doing my Homework. My Homework. My Homework." The males lie immobile for hours at a time, conserving energy and listening to violent electronic signals from radios.

Male Teenagers concentrate on important information (See Fathers, Lectures Of) by rolling their eyes, shrugging, kicking dirt and sighing. Females burst into tears and slam doors. Many Homo Sapiens families have a host-to-parasite relationship with one (See Stress) or more than one (See Extreme Stress) Teenager. These host families often develop a resistance to the parasite, rejecting them some time in the eighteenth year of life. Often, though, this rejection is merely theoretical, with the Teenager continuing to live off of the host Homo Sapiens family for many years afterward, often at great sacrifice (See College).

2) Of, relating to, and especially explaining irrational, intolerable, or inexplicable behaviour. ("She’s a Teenager.")

3) A request for sympathy, offered by adult parents to each other in support. ("I have a Teenager at ) Often accompanied by sighs, headshaking, tongue clucking, and shoulder shrugging.

What was that?

We really do not credit our political leaders and actors of other types with much wisdom, but there are times when they even surprise themselves. Here are some magnificent quotes-pithy concepts and sayings to brighten your week:

Smoking kills. And if you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life."

— Actress Brooke Shields

"The president has kept all of the promises he intended to keep."

—Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on "Larry King Live"

"The police are not here to create disorder. They’re here to preserve disorder."

— Former Chicago Mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 Convention

"Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas."

—Former Australian Cabinet Minister Keppel Enderbery

"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago."

—Former US Vice-President Dan Quayle

"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It’s only the people that make them unsafe."

— Former Philadelphia Mayor and police Chief Frank Rizzo

"The Internet is a great way to get on the net."

—Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole

"It is bad luck to be superstitious."

—Andrew Mathis

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn’t study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."

—Former US Vice-President Dan Quayle

"They’re multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off."

—Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the air force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair of pliers

"I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."

—Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

"When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results."

—Former US President Calvin Coolidge

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."

—Former French President Charles de Gaulle

"That low-down scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it."

—A Congressional candidate in Texas

"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money."

—Everett Dirksen

"Half this game is ninety per cent mental."

—Philadelphia Phillies Manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

—Former US Vice-President Dan Quayle

"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet."

—Former British Foreign Minister Ernest Bevin

(Compiled by Roopinder Singh)