Are you young at heart?

YOU may be going over the hill, but are you young at heart? Try this quiz to find out.

1. Your children are having a party. Do you:

a. leave them to it?

b. have your own party in the kitchen?

c. dance with the youngsters all night?

2. You go shopping for a new outfit. Is it:

a. a bigger version of what your son/daughter loves to wear?

b. something your son/daughter wouldn’t be seen dead in ?

c. flattering, and something your son/daughter might like to borrow?

3. What kind of car would you like to drive:

a. a comfortable saloon?

b. an off-road vehicle?

c. a natty sports car?

4. Your partner suggests a romantic weekend away. Do you:

a. confess that you’re already booked in with your friends?

b. say, “Why? We’ve got a family holiday coming up”?

c. agree that it would be fun to get away?

5. What do you think of modern art:

a. load of rubbish?

b. interesting?

c. the only art worth looking at?

6. Your daughter begs you to take her to see the Spice Girls. Do you:

a. groan inwardly, but take her?

b. jump into your trendiest outfit and go prepared to boogie?

c. refuse to go, but buy her the CD to make up?

7. How are you fixed when it comes to information technology:

a. hopeless — you can’t even use a word processor?

b. all set with the latest gear?

c. reasonably competent?

8. How often do you take energetic exercise?

a. three times a week or more?

b. about once a week?

c. never?

9. Your children are watching the chat show on television. Are you:

a. on the sofa with them?

b. in the kitchen?

c. thinking “what’s a chart show?”

10. Your daughter has broken up with her first proper boyfriend and is crying her hear out. Do you:

a. tell her not to be so silly, there’s no such thing as love at her age?

b. throw your arms round her and have a good cry together?

c. sympathise, but at the same time try to provide distractions?

Calculate your score

1. a0 b5 c10

2. a10 b0 c5

3. a0 b5 c10

4. a10 b0 c5

5. a0 b5 c10

6. a5 b10 c0

7. a0 b10 c5

8. a10 b5 c0

9. a10 b5 c0

10. a0 b10 c5

70-100: You are so young at heart it’s a surprise that you’re not still in school. You only feel at home among young people or adults like yourself. This sounds like fun, but beware. Youngsters sometimes get fed up with adults, no matter how young at heart they are. You may (gulp) need to grow up.

40-65: You are the perfect combination of acting your age and enjoying it, while still being able to empathise with young people. You manage to enjoy life and all it has to offer, but you are happy to keep the generation gap where it belongs. Don’t change.

0-35: You are old before your time. It’s no wonder if you’ve got a reputation for being a real old grump. Enjoy feeling free, healthy and fun-loving. Life will definitely improve if you allow your inner child to play a little. (AF)

Single moms find little social support
K. Damayanthi

MANPREET'S story is not uncommon— a violent husband steeped in alcohol, gambling and drugs. But her determination to overcome all odds — financial crisis, unemployment, in-laws’ pressure — to fulfil her pledge to give her daughters a better life is laudable. Today, she is a single mother supporting her two daughters, ensuring their education and is even helping out other women suffering from a similar plight.

Notwithstanding the rising number of single mothers, society has yet to come up with adequate support systems. In the absence of their husbands, single mothers, who while undergoing a process of emotional healing to deal with the experience of being single, have also to grapple with finances and the logistics of child-rearing.

Along with stupendous responsibilities, a single mother has the added burden of social stigma, since single-mother family units are not easily accepted in a patriarchal society. While acceptability of widows is much higher, people still do not know how to react if a woman is either divorced or separated from her husband. “It is a new situation for this country. Neighbours and relatives do not see this situation as normal,” says Deepti Priya Mehrotra, a researcher documenting single mothers’ experiences.

“Over the years, these women have gathered an incredible amount of strength. Yet, there is a dire need for emotional and health-care support,” adds Mehrotra, who is also a single mother.

For instance, when Lila decided to leave her alcoholic husband, her natal family did not support her. She managed to get a job, but could not retain it, as there was no one at home to look after her four-year-old daughter. Residential schools were either too expensive or too difficult to get admission in. She even tried to admit her child in a boarding school for orphans, but the authorities there asked for the death certificate of her husband. Lila is still struggling for her daughter’s admission in various schools in Kolkata.

The major problem with a middle-class single mother is schooling. “Because of the social stigma, school authorities feel that children of single mothers are ‘psychologically abnormal’ and will, therefore, create problems for students from ‘normal’ families,” says Pratima, another single mother.

“My six-year-old daughter was asked to draw a picture of a family in her class. She drew a mother and a daughter. But the teacher rebuked her in front of her classmates, saying that the family should always have a father,” recalls Pratima. “It is time that we changed our notion of an ‘ideal’ family set-up with a father, mother, daughter and a son,” she adds.

According to Mehrotra, both the family and society should be more sensitive to the needs of single mothers, and child-care should be accepted as an important sphere of activity. Mehrotra argues for strengthening creche and day-care centre networks for single mothers from all economic backgrounds. “The special needs of women need to be addressed to. For instance, there should be mobile creches for mothers who are construction workers,” she adds.

Interestingly, single mothers from poorer backgrounds have the advantage of a stronger support system. Almost all family members lend a hand with child-rearing, and the responsibility is not the mother’s alone. Moreover, neighbours are more friendly and helpful than in middle-class localities. “There is a lot of caring and sharing that takes place in poorer families,” says Mehrotra.

Family support, sometimes missing if a woman is single because of divorce or separation, is often forthcoming when the single mother is a widow. For instance, Deepa who lost her husband three years ago lives with her parents-in-law and feels that it is a good arrangement, especially for her children. “I do need some help in looking after the children’s basic needs. For example, when the child comes home from school, somebody is there, somebody the child can turn to,” she says.

Middle-class women, who often lack family support, seem to make up for it through a network of friends. Chanda, who separated from her husband seven years ago, says she counts on her friends for support. “Perhaps because I am a single parent, my friends make more effort to maintain a closer bond with my daughter than they may have otherwise done,” she says.

The impetus to carry on despite severe hardships sometimes emerges from unexpected quarters. As her natal family turned her away, Leela’s tiny daughter was her source of sustenance. “It has been very exhausting physically— managing everything from childcare and housework to earning a livelihood. But because she’s been around, I could never give in to depression. There was no time. I could not just lie around in bed all day crying,” she says.

Social support apart, single mothers need timely and accessible legal help to negotiate the labyrinths of law. Since expensive legal counselling is not a viable proposition for women from the lower and lower-middle classes, mahila panchayats can be roped in for supporting single mothers, suggests Mehrotra. Single mothers also point to loopholes in the law relating to women’s rights, like maintenance and custody rights. The need of the day is proper implementation of laws as well as social recognition of the aspirations and capabilities of single mothers who have struggled to bring up their children despite social ostracism. (WFS)

Fathers as single parents

MOST single fathers experience significant problems balancing the demands of work and single parenting. Difficulties faced by working single fathers include:

Finding time for work.

Family demands interfering with job performance.

Missing work, arriving late for work or leaving work early because of childcare related demands.

Similar to single and stay-at-home mothers, single fathers experience social isolation, income loss and career restrictions as a consequence of being responsible for childcare.

Unlike single mothers, single fathers don't tend to socialise with each other and discuss their problems.

Some men caring for children feel isolated as they lack the resources pertaining to child-rearing that mothers may have, articles on parenting are rare in typical men's magazines.

When men do not receive unsolicited help, they are less apt to ask for it than single mothers.

Single fathers worry they do not provide adequate intimate emotional support to their children, particularly their daughters.