Golden memories, golden years, golden rules
Aruti Nayar

IN an age where marriages (and divorces) are instant, it is refreshing to talk to couples who have been married for more than 50 years. The bond forged between the partners who have celebrated their golden jubilees with gusto has endured peaks and troughs. They have endured changing seasons and temperaments. Between changes, their love and affection has been a constant.

However, there is a couple for whom marriage means duty and not celebration. Sansar Chandra and Kulwati got married in June 1939. They did not celebrate either their golden jubilee or 60 years. If youngsters surrendered their wishes and desires to that of the older generation in the past, the pendulum has swung to the other extreme now. Boundaries of Maryada are being crossed. as never before, feels Kulwati. According to Sansar Chandra, the real essence of an Indian marriage is duty and it is the Grihasta ashram that is exalted in the shastras since it enables an individual to perform all his duties - be it giving charity or looking after the responsibilities of a householder. In the mad rush for luxuries, the level of satisfaction has decreased and jealousies have crept in, feels the couple. Relationship are now and showcased for public consumption, feels kulwati. She adds, "The biggest difference nowadays is that you can get carried many times, while in our times, you married only once, even though you spent your entire life fighting with each other."

However she is critical of the blind adherence to religion and myths. An avid leader of scriptures, she says how in her youth she used to admire Gandhari's character in the Mahabharata, because the latter had voluntarily blindfolded herself. Now she feels it was foolish of her, "she should have been Drithrashtra's eyes rather than blindfold herself." She is happy that women are more assertive now. As her husband recounts, "She was going to lose her life due to blindly .following a ritual. When we fled from Mirpur after the siege, she (because of her ghunghat)got left behind. She wouldn't unveil herself in front of her father-in-law!"

However, 70-year-old Sohan Singh Chopra and 65-year-old Jagdish Kaur do not find any fault with the present or compare it to the past. They exchanged garlands on their 50th anniversary which was on Baisakhi day. (They had got married on Baisakhi) A shamiana was put up and after a paath there was lunch for family and friends. Regular with their walk, they make it a point to vi sit the gurdwara every evening. They have adjusted and adapted themselves to changing times and have no regrets whatsoever, no complaints. They feel adjustment is the key to happiness.

Dharam Singh who married Avtaar Kaur in February 1949, is a film believer in simplicity. That is how he has spent his entire life. Every relationship is dictated by the need to show off. In the past, love and affection were the determinants of relationships, maintains Dharam Singh. On their 50th wedding anniversary, their sons organised a function. They exchanged garlands and there was lunch. The daughters-in-law were from Avtaar Kaur’s side and the sons were the ‘ladkawallas’! An excellent cook, Dharam Singh has always been supportive and helped Avtar Kaur with housework and almost always makes the morning tea. She, on her part, does housework and washes clothes even today. Her fondness for surma (kohl) is what has been a constant all these years.

They had never celebrated their wedding anniversary ever, but the children were determined to the golden jubilee a special occasion for them.

Fifty long years, and yet it seems it all happened yesterday. The children of Gian Chand Dhiman and Kashmiro decide to celebrate the occasion. Cards are printed, relatives arrive, and it is marriage time once again for the couple. In a re-enactment of the wedding, the couple takes 108 pheras.

They managed on a small salary in Delhi, them Mr Dhiman got a job in the UT Press Chandigarh, in the late fifties. Although he was not fortunate enough to get good education in his village, he cleared exams privately and retired as manager of Text Book Printing Press, Panchkula. No small achievement for a boy from a poor family from village Sadwan in Himachal Pradesh.

He admits, it would not have been possible without the support of his wife, who has stood by him through the thick and the thin.

"I was 23, but was quite naïve. I hardly knew anything about life, yet one day I was told by my parents that I was to be married soon. In those days photography studios were rare, so I didn’t even get to see my would-be-wife’s portrait. I remember, it was Baisakhi time, and during the Baisakhi mela, some of my wife’s friends saw me and I saw them."

Kashmiro Devi was full of apprehension. But since, "we as women had no say in the matter I resigned myself to fate". I had just turned 16,"says Kashmiro Devi. Her advice to women is to,"Take care of your health, eat on time. It is nice to eat with your husband and family, but if that is not possible, you must eat on time. Look at me, I am suffering because I neglected my health. Women much older than me are active, and look at me, I am suffering from so many diseases. We were not allowed to eat until every male in the family had eaten. I often slept hungry because some male in the family refused to eat. "Imagine what a long way we have come, no girl would think of going hungry because someone in the family had not eaten.

Jagmohan Lal Sethi and Suman held a big party to celebrate their 50th anniversary. They gave a lavish lunch to their family and friends in their garden and exchanged garlands. They feel that people are less tolerant these days and as a result of this they face adjustment problems. This sentiment is echoed by Mahavir Gupta and his wife who organised a family get together at Timber Trail to celebrate their golden jubilee.

In fact, almost all the couples that one spoke to were of the opinion that the willingness to tolerate and accept has nosedived. In this my, me and myself times no one wants to be bogged down by notions of duty and adjustment. Desire and not duty rules the emotions and it is the wish to extract the maximum out of life that dictates actions. If only the youngsters took a leaf out of the married lives of these ‘golden’ couples, they too would celebrate their 50th anniversaries with gusto!

Want a bride? Click Search
Gaurav Sood

A keen desire to get tied in a matrimonial knot developed within me as soon as I attained the age of 21. The sudden growth of cyber cafes in the city and various portals advertising in the local dailies acted as catalysts in promoting the urge to get married at a rapid speed. I found myself surfing through the numerous matrimonial websites hosted on the Net, with more concentration than I ever studied for my postgraduation. "Young, slim, beautiful and attractive, highly educated, homely, good mix of eastern and western values, loves cooking continental dishes, her friends say she looks like Madhuri Dixit…." are some of the common phrases average number of matrimonial advertisements on the Web read!

Getting married is very important in society because a good majority of our friends, relatives and known ones are already tied in a matrimonial knot. Those who are not due to any unavoidable reasons also support the idea of getting married. Bachelors are often treated as loose electricity wires, even if they do not have a current; people still believe that they can give a shock. As soon as our Constitution legally delivered me legal rights to get married on my 21st birthday, I decided to be a part of the majority in the society.

With everything going electronic these days I also decided to spell my marriage as e-marriage. Until recently I was a firm supporter of the idea that matrimonial advertisements were for the common man. I was wrong, of course. I have spent more time gazing at these advertisements than I have spent gazing at the actual women. Finding a suitable match isn’t easy nor do I know any cricketer who is good at match fixing. All your illusions about your soul mate appearing out of the blue at your cousin’s wedding or you running into her in the college corridor disappear once you start looking for one. My matrimonial (re)search, has left me with dozens of observations. Here are just a few of then:

98 percent of the matrimonial advertisements on www.tribuneindia.com; 99.2 percent on www.hinduonline; 98.7 percent on www.swayamvar.com; 99.5 percent on www.weddingsutra, say that every woman is "beautiful", every other woman is "fair" and for sure one can conclude that every other advertisement is lying. If a woman is attractive, often she is also homely and if she is homely, she is also a professional.

Mostly people list the qualifications of their relatives. My brother is a doctor, maternal uncle is a political leader, sister’s sister-in-law is an IT professional, an distant aunt is closely related to the Birla family, my daughter for whom we are looking for a suitable match is a matriculate. Some even mention that the girl had an innocent divorce. No one has ever heard of a guilty divorce. Another very interesting observation is that not a single doctor is looking for another doctor match. Are these doctors trying to get married or opening up a new clinic! Some do not hesitate to mention an income in four figures, though not a doctor yet earning more than the doctors… the girl is a clerk with the municipal corporation. Some even mention the family assets, the girl drives her own red Maruti… she has a Pentium-3 at her disposal. Another strange observation in most of the leading matrimonial websites is that though we all feel proud of living in a secular country yet 97-98 percent of the matrimonial advertisements are categorised according to castes and sub castes. Alliance invited from a Saraswat Brahmin….. Are we really secular or simply hypocrites?

The concept of an ideal husband and an ideal wife may seem to change but it is for sure that for most of us the basics of a good life partner still remain confused even though we may feel proud by wearing a label of an IT generation, stepping into the 21st century.