When being away need not mean falling apart
Prerana Trehan

So you have at long last met that special someone you have been waiting for. But before you can say your forever vows, maybe even before you have decided you want to say your forever vows, you have to part. No, don’t reach for your handkerchiefs just yet, this is not another tear-jerker about the cruel hands of fate separating a modern-day Romeo and Juliet. The villain of the piece here is nothing as melodramatic as dominating, unreasonable parents or the bedard samaj, it is probably something as innocuous as your careers or studies.

Picture this:
* You go to this party and bump into this gorgeous woman and the best part is that there are no rings on her fingers. You get talking and discover you have a lot in common except, unfortunately, for your STD codes. Your dream woman works in another town. You want to know her better but...

* You have known each other for a while and the chemistry is just what it should be. Things are going right on track. This may be it, you think. And then one day he tells you excitedly that he has accepted a job in another country. It is a big leap for him and you are happy for him, too. But then you begin to wonder: is this the end for the two of you?

Careers today demand greater mobility than ever before. Young professionals living out of suitcases are not unusual. Neither is leaving one job to pick up the next one, perhaps in another town or even another country. Add to this the fact that an increasing number of young adults are opting to devote time to their careers before making any personal commitments and you have a situation where long-distance relationships become inevitable.

So, are long-distance relationships possible? The good news — to cheer all of you diehard romantics out there —is that if the experience of many couples all across the globe is anything to go by, then, yes, long-distance relationships have the potential to be fulfilling and successful. The not-so-good news is that they require a lot of hard work and like all other relationships have their quota of failure. However a long-distance relationship does offer an alternative to breaking up with someone who is or could be a partner.

No doubt long-distance relationships have their set of pitfalls to watch out for. Some of these problems are normal to any situation where two people are trying to go from being strangers to being friends to perhaps long-term partners while some can be attributed solely to geographical distance. For one there are more grey areas in a long-distance relationship. The absence of commitment as also the distance sometimes make it difficult to distinguish between what is permissible and what is not. Is flirting with or dating others in your proximity okay? Should you depend solely on your boyfriend/girlfriend for emotional support or can you form other emotionally satisfying relationships? In the absence of shared activities, how can you bond? How can you maintain interest in a long-distance and how can you keep from drifting apart? Apart from this, unrealistic expectations may also cause problems. This includes assuming that the relationship will sustain itself without any effort on your side, overestimating the other person’s availability and expecting his/her life to revolve solely around you. Questions abound, doubts multiply. Here is a survivor’s handbook for anyone attempting to test the extremely uncertain waters of long-distance relationships.

* First and foremost be absolutely certain that this is what you want. Long-distance relationships are not for everyone. It needs patience, understanding and a lot of dedication, and may often mean loneliness, uncertainty and plenty of waiting.

* It goes without saying that a long-distance relationship would fizzle out and die if the two people involved don’t communicate. When you are so far apart, words are all you have to connect. Not being physically close makes all other ways of connecting, through looks or touch or shared experiences or maybe even silence, impossible. All your partner will know about what is going on in your life is what you tell them. Remember that no one is a mind reader. Not being able to share the ups and down in your partner’s life or being the last to find out can be hurtful. Communication means being able to share feelings openly, especially with regard to your relationship. Each party should know that if they write or talk to the other person, their communication will be welcome and reciprocated.

* How you communicate depends on how far apart you are. Phone calls are a good idea, provided these are not too expensive. In any case, splitting the phone bill might help. You should set up phone dates and take them as seriously as regular face-to-face dates. Keep yourself free for that time and try to be alone so that you can focus on your partner. This not only cuts down on the ‘waiting for his/her call’ period but also helps you spend quality time together. If frequent phone calls are not possible try e-mail which is possibly the greatest thing that happened to long-distance relationships. It is faster than snail mail, cheaper than the phone and best of all helps you keep in constant touch. Don’t limit your mails to quick updates on your daily routine, take time to put your feeling into your mails or better still on paper. Nothing can beat the romance and intimacy of a letter!

* A long-distance relationship probably isn’t going to work if both partners are not 100 per cent committed to it. Even if you haven’t made a commitment to each other, you still need to make a commitment to the relationship to see it through. Once you are apart, it is easy to get caught up in your own lives and not have time to reach across to the other. Make time to talk, to write, to let the other into your life. Understand that since your partner is no longer a part of your daily routine, he/she may end up feeling left out.

* Honesty is another important aspect. Be honest about how you feel. If for some reason you feel your relationship isn’t working, please tell the other, don’t keep them in the dark and don’t drag on something you have given up on.

* Have clear expectations about your relationship and discuss these with your boyfriend/girlfriend. If there are any differences in expectations, sort these out. Without this both of you may end up working on two different relationships and this may cause problems. The most successful long-distance relationships are typically those where both partners have roughly similar expectations.

* Have a life apart from your relationship and respect your partner’s need to have a life that can’t always include you. Make new friends, get involved in activities you enjoy, learn something new— in short, keep yourself busy. Not only will this help tackle the loneliness syndrome but you will also have all that much more to talk about when you meet! This will also give both of you the space to grow and change as individuals, a process that is inevitable. It is also not wise to expect both yourself and the other to remain unchanged. But remember this change can be positive and can help you come closer if you feel that you are growing together.

* You will have to have immense trust in each other to stop yourself from wondering where the other is or who he/she is with in the time they are not with you. Insecurity and jealousy are too heavy a baggage to be dragged into long-distance relationships.

* It might sometimes seem you are doing more work than your partner to keep the relationship going. It might seem unfair but remember that what you are doing is as much for you as for him or her. And if what you have is worth waiting for then it is worth putting in more than your fair share of work too. It is not a good idea to keep tabs on who is doing how much but if your partner’s lack of effort at keeping the relationship going become a behaviour pattern, talk about it.

Distance tends to multiply and magnify everything. Being apart from each other may intensify your feelings for one another. You will need to be together for an extended period of time to see if what you feel is real.

Just like any other relationship, a long-distance one too doesn’t come with any iron-clad guarantees and sometimes in spite of your best efforts, it doesn’t work. If that happens accept it and move on, maybe happiness is waiting for you at the next corner. However, remember that love across the miles is not only possible, it can be an enriching and fulfilling experience if you will it to be so.

RELATIONSHIP MONITOR
Seven-minute dating

America’s latest strategy for single persons who don’t want to be single any longer has many names: speed-dating, express-date, 10-minute-dating or simply mini-date.

The principle is the same, whatever the name: why spend an entire evening with a stranger if you realise after only the first few minutes that you can’t stand the person?

The solution: the men and women sit down facing each other. A gong is sounded, and in the next seven to 10 minutes, each one tries to find out as much as possible about the other persons. When the gong goes off a second time, the men stand up and move on to the next female candidate. At such a rendezvous in San Francisco recently, some 200 men and women between the ages of 30 and 60 sat, a hopeful expression on their faces, in two long rows opposite each other.

The command was given, and then almost everybody started talking away. Only a few sat there looking bored.

Richard Gosse, chairman of ‘American Singles’, billed as the largest singles’ lobby group in the world, says this is the fastest, most effective and at the moment "hottest" way to search for a partner.

The method of rapid acquaintanceship was invented by a Jewish congregation in New York and Los Angeles, and it has since taken out a patent on the term "speed-dating". The idea was to promote marriages between two people of the same religious faith. But other groups have long since discovered the charms of the method.

Gosse says the quick-acquaintanceship method is great for shy singles who lack the confidence to speak to a stranger. His tip to people: don’t talk about money, your weight or about your former partner, but speak about your dreams, aspirations and hobbies.

Most speed-dating meetings cost about $25 per evening. For this money, a person can get to know 15 to 20 potential partners.

Getting to this first step is currently the toughest one. Speed-dating is so much in demand in the USA that most meetings are booked out weeks and months in advance. — DPA