Troubled or troublesome teens?

"How often have I told you to pick up your clothes and tidy your room? How often..." A stony silence greets the diatribe and the volume of the music is increased by a couple of decibel levels. You want to scream, pull your hair out or just wish your teenaged kids would, by some sort of miracle, become toddlers whom you could spank gleefully or perhaps put up for adoption for an hour or so. That doesn't happen. What happens is your teenagers-in-arms mutter something about parents who don't let them live in peace and stalk out of the room, with their nose held high and a big scowl on a face slathered with a concoction that is supposed to banish pimples from their life. Of course, you leave the room, feeling like one of the pimples about to burst.

Life with one teenager is enough but two means double trouble and toil. To say that life in the house is nothing if not eventful is the mildest understatement. Your life is full of noise, yelling, screams of joy and horror, tantrums of the teen variety, phone calls at every conceivable hour, a fridge that has katoris with messy concoctions. Teenagers’ parents can forget that they ever had an ego, similarly they can forget all about ownership. Your cupboard will be raided and you can fret and fume as you see your colognes, creams and clothes being used without so much as by your leave. Every teenager has a natural right to help her/himself to whatever the parents possess but the reverse is not true because even tidying up a room without permission can evoke a major outburst.

If you had some notions about moulding teenage minds and instilling values, you can junk them or put them on the backburner. Because it is peers that have an edge over parents. Friends dominate the mental and emotional landscape and parents, somewhere on the periphery of their tumultuous existence, are antiquated and should possibly star in Jurrassic Park. In fact, I firmly believe that teenagers want that parents should be seen and not heard and merge into the walls, only to emerge to cook a decent meal, hand over pocket money and tidy up the mess that their wards leave in the wake of their hectic lives.

Try even reaching out for the phone. The telephone line is the lifeline for most teens. Try curbing the chatting on the phone, you will be told that you are "behaving worse than Indira Gandhi did during the Emergency." What is surprising is that the very same teenager who groans, grunts or mutters something inaudible when it comes to answering your query is ever so eloquent on the phone. You are "insensitive" if you wrench the instrument away and a boor if you interrupt a call or signal them to cut it short.

Clothes are a volatile subject and since you are from pre-historic times, you can never appreciate the trendy, new-fangled stuff that passes off as clothes. All expeditions to shop for clothes end in raised voices and mutinous silence and an exasperation that defies all description.

Somewhere, in some nook and cranny of your heart, you hate their guts and envy them the freedom that they manage to extract from you , will-nilly. Something you never got or even thought of asking for. Only you wonder where their freedom ends and yours begins—that is if there is any left to go around.

In fact, if you thought that you have finally settled to placid matrimony with your better or worse half, you can think again. There’s nothing that can bring out the worst in both of you than being arrayed on opposite sides with teenagers egging you on and adding fuel to the raging flames. The mother is usually the Enemy No1 because she has the time and energy to nag and focus on all that goes wrong and papa’s a pet because he doesn’t bother about trivia such as wet towels on the bed and dirty clothes scattered in the room and/or raiding the fridge and the biscuit tin and spending endless hours preening in front of the mirror.

In an effort to bond with her teens , a friend decided to accompany them to the cyber cafe for Net surfing. A look at the sites the previous incumbent had been accessing was enough to make her see red and blush beetroot as the wards said , "Come on mom," ever so patronisingly. She hustled them out and lectured them all the way home.

The "Net" result was not a bond but an Indo-Pak like impasse. An impasse is still preferable to an outright war and the day the visit to the disco was nixed was open war. All arguments fell on deaf ears and you were told, with a martyr-like air, how you were punishing your 17- year-old for telling the truth. Her friends were already freaking out after lying to their parents and here you were being such a spoil-sport and a damp squib and a wet blanket as compared to Sonia’s mom who was so proud of her daughter’s trips to the disco that she had even bought her a new outfit to go and dance in.

Even though it might seem like aeons ago, after all the parents of today’s teens were also the ones from the Flower Power years. Not too long ago they too had swung to Paul Anka and ABBA. So they could surely be chummy with their offspring? After all, did the teens not realise that unke ma-baap bhi kabhi teens the?

After a few knocks and lots of hits and misses one can, from experience, put together a few pointers to cope with and be more teen-tuned or rather teen-trained.

Just think of the times when they shall leave home and you’’ll wait for the phone calls, letters and visits and remember these chaotic years ever so nostalgically. That will help you cope and even enjoy these years. — AN

Stay teen-tuned

A situational approach is what works best, Forget that you can teach or tutor, just tolerate. In short, grin and bear and do not bare your fangs.

Strike when the teenager is not hot and bothered. Accept the fact that as your hormones are dipping, theirs are raring to go, so do not repeat yourself. The more you stress something, lesser are the chances of it being heard or replied to.

Even if you detest the sight of either pony-tailed guys or those with dangling gold chains and studs, you should never say so—least of all in front of their friends.

And woe betide you if you ever happen to disapprove of their attempts to paint their faces, perm their hair and wear outlandish dresses.

Never switch off MTV, even if your head is likely to split up with a migraine, it is better to stuff cottonwool in your own ears. Also never say that scruffy-looking guy/girl is anything but cool.

Never try and baby a teenager. They hate any physical display of affection since they feel adult already. But be there to comfort and console whenever there’s any heartache or break-up.

Even if you have serious reservations about the frivolous choice of career, keep your lips shut and advice to yourself. Hard work is something that is dull and boring and a teen is entitled to dream of getting rich quickly.

Redefine your notion of rudeness and remind yourself that you will never rise to the bait.— AN

RELATIONSHIP MONITOR

* He does not know what is good or bad, right or wrong for him. K P Singh, 45, businessman

* Last time he chose a girl of his choice, we all know what happened. He will do the same thing with his career. Harleen Kaur, 37, housewife

* We learnt from our mistakes the hard way. We do not want him to suffer. Suneeta Bhardwaj, 35, teacher

* Wise men learn from the experiences of others. We want him to learn from our experiences. J. Bhatia, 50, manager

* We did exactly what our parents told us to do. So, we want our kids to do the same. Anita Chauhan, 40, housewife

* Do we keep questioning our parents about their activities? Rajiv Sharma, 15, student

* I am already 19 and eligible to elect the government of this country, so why do my parents have to tell me what to do and what not to do? Sant Prakash, 19, student

* For God's sake, I only need my pocket money, not their advice. They have not purchased me by giving me pocket money. Nand Kishore, 15, student

* I would like to ask my Mom and Dad that how did they react when their parents gave them advice. I think this should answer their question. Kanwar Pal, 17, student

Send your queries and responses (word limit:50) to
Interface, c/o The Editor,
The Tribune, Chandigarh.