Sunday, October 14, 2001		Life Ties

Just good looks do not see you through
Taru Bahl

APARNA was a beautiful child. She was fair and roly-poly with a curly mop of hair, even strangers did not hesitate to stop and exclaim: "What a cute baby". Aparna was too young to realise the bounty God had bestowed her with. Her parents, Meena and Pratap, were still to recover from the surprise package which Aparna was. Born after a succession of miscarriages and still-born infants, it was a miracle that she had not just survived but was a nine and a half pound bonny baby who looked like neither of her parents ! Her fair complexion and light eyes were perhaps taken after a distant aunt.

Little wonder then that people couldn’t connect the child to her parents. Apart from the fussing that went on, what worried friends and relatives was the fact that Aparna was a trophy for her parents. As an infant in the crib, she was invariably stuffed with frilly lacy frocks. This may have made her look like a dream but she sure was uncomfortable, hot and stuffy. When she started walking, the criteria was not to find her comfortable shoes but to encase her dainty little feet into the prettiest sandals in the market. Meena was not fashion-conscious when it came to her own wardrobe because she knew that she would look awkward while sporting the latest cuts and styles. But her daughter was different. There was no dress or designer which did full justice to her perfect silhouette. Meena left her secretarial job to attend to Aparna full time and Pratap, on his wife’s insistence, spent more than half his salary on buying their daughter the fanciest of clothes, shoes and accessories.

When Aparna was four years old, Meena started making the rounds of advertising agencies. She spent a mini fortune getting a portfolio made for her and digging up names of the people who could help. She actually sat outside studios for hours, insisting she be allowed to meet the creative and casting directors. Her persistence paid off and she managed to get Aparna a screen test. What followed were a succession of advertisements for the print and electronic media. It was never the money or the peripheral benefits which tempted the mother, it was the thrill of seeing the world swoon over her baby, admire her beauty and then turn around and compliment the woman who had ‘made’ this wonder.

Aparna’s world comprised of older people, most of whom were women related to beauty and fashion. She did not have many friends of her own age. Most of her peers steered clear of her.

They admired her but didn’t want to befriend her. She was never one of them. What added to the isolation was her irregular attendance in class, thanks to the shoots she was constantly called for.

Her pale skin, light eyes and lighter hair made her stand apart. She was also Miss Prim n’ Propah because she did nott run around, splashing in puddles of water, dirtying her dress and talking in a loud boisterous voice. She had to be well-turned out and well-behaved. Her image had to be guarded at every cost.

The best part of her childhood was spent alone, shut off, without the noises and the clutter which most children revel in and then take away lifelong memories from. She grew up with visions of being paraded in front of endless people, being asked to dance, mimic, sing, twirl around and show her self off. If she grew up believing that looks were all that it takes to make heads turn, people smile, earn a living and insure yourself against unhappiness, she was not entirely to be blamed.

She was never told to develop other facets of her personality. Her physical looks had to be guarded, enhanced and proudly showcased. Her mother for instance forbade her to study too much lest she saddle herself with dark circles and a pair of spectacles !

As a teenager, she had friends who used her get access into an exalted circle, especially to get boys’ attention. Since Aparna’s striking looks were the kind for which most Indian men flip immediately, her friends thought that they too would benefit if they rallied around her as best pals. There were boys who would get interested in Aparna, even pursue her madly but once the conquest was made they would gradually lose interest. It wasn’t as if all the men in her life were cads or wanted to claim her only to prove their irresistible charm. They actually got bored of her. As one of them put it, "how long can you tolerate a girl friend who keeps preening at herself all the time. Any mirrored surface she finds, she stops and looks over for minutes at end. You sit with her at a restaurant and out comes her make-up kit. Any conversation with her is limited to film heroes, heroines, their affairs, marital problems and other gossip. It is fine for a while but please not for a lifetime. However beautiful she may be, she leaves me cold".

The break-ups never really affected Aparna because after every boy who walked out there were, at least, a couple more waiting to serenade her. The situation did not allow her to introspect and examine the reason for things going awry every time. After all there were emotions and energies involved. The relationships were always serious. Aparna had not been able to shed her middle class upbringing which disapproved of promiscuity and women with "loose characters." Every relationship she got into was with the intention of settling down with Mr Right. When it didn’t happen, she would convince herself that this wasn’t the right person for her. It didn’t go beyond that. She did not feel the need to be well-read, develop a sense of humour, cultivate gift of the gab, intelligent repartee, have hobbies and interests and most importantly be an empathetic listener, one who could actually tune in to the person across and feel what he or she was going through.

However intense the feelings, her aloof and detached way of ‘loving’ was never enough to bind a person and make him feel truly wanted. It was almost as if she was saying, "the fact that you are the chosen one should be enough for you to be grateful for the rest of your life."

Things with Arup were different. He was extremely good-looking, but totally unaffected by his physical appearance. If at all, he was dismissive and always tried to tone down references to his appearance. For the first time, it was Aparna who was doing the pursuing. She used all her subtle and not so subtle charms in wooing him. He responded but only in an informal non-romantic sort of way. Prerna was determined to get him to be besotted by her. Most of her attempts fell flat and she ended up looking ridiculous. The ultimate humiliation came when Arup got into a serious relationship with her ‘side-kick,’ the rather plain-looking Savita. Now, what did he see in her that she did not have ?

The obsession with Arup made Aparna lose her mind. She lost her appetite, sleep and sense of reason. Straight out of a Hindi potboiler, she hounded both of them, making blank calls, trailing them, sending them threatening messages and refusing to accept the fact that he was not interested in her. When the two of them, fed up with Aparna’s tantrums and churlish behaviour decided to go in for a quiet court marriage before flying to Canada where a job was waiting for Arup, the finality of his not being there for her actually hit her. Suddenly, Aparna lost interest in the one thing that had been her guiding motive for 26 years – her carefully guarded and cultivated looks.

Within six months, she turned pale, overweight and puffy. Her modelling assignments were a trickle and she was not interested in doing anything about it. It took her an year before she could start going out. She enrolled for a course in ceramics and began to make a new set of friends who knew nothing of her background. As she found her feet, she realised how transient looks could be and also how unimportant they were when it came to making friends and being happy. What lasted was the kind of person you were and the value-addition you kept making to yourself at every stage of your life. With this realisation came maturity, understanding and the ability to make sincere commitments in relationships. There was more depth and fulfillment in Arpana’s life and she was determined to fill her life with novelties and to make up for all the emptiness of her previous years.