On the lookout for Mr Right
Lalitha Sridhar

ARE marriages made in heaven? Many people, especially women, do not think so.

Even in the new millennium, a majority of young women are opting for the 'security' of an arranged marriage, which includes the support of both the family and the community.

As Manohar Vishwanath, a corporate executive who went by his parents' selection of an "educated and homely" girl, puts it without any apology for his chauvinism: "The Indian man marries only his wife. The Indian woman marries her husband and his family as well." For the woman, this choice comes with the added and largely willing adherence to the "till-death-do-us-part" credo.

Women (and, in far fewer numbers, men) "compromise" and "adjust", give in but never give up, and cement a system where the family is the basic building block in society. In theory, this worked reasonably well as long as women remained subservient and passive. But with empowerment via education and careers came expectations. And now, patriarchal powerbrokers — whether they are inclined to listen or not — are more and more frequently being told what women want. The expectations are in direct proportion to the degree of empowerment.

A large number of young women, like 29-year-old Divya, are postponing marriage, for they are not only on the lookout for a soul-mate but also some social support. Divya is resisting intense pressure from well-wishers who singlemindedly urge her to "settle down". A software engineer with a substantial salary, she rues: "I have been categorised variously as stubborn or stupid for turning down alliances which have required me to shift to a place where I can't find a job, to quit working altogether or to marry a man who doesn't inspire or attract me in the least. I could probably write a book on my hunt for a like-minded man. It would have been a comedy except that the reality is so tragic!"

Echoing a similar sentiment is Revathy S, a comfortably placed chartered accountant with a public sector undertaking. "Every time I go through the ritual — the girl-seeing charade, the discussion over dowry and finally, the nit-picking over my dark complexion — I become even more certain that I would rather stay single than get into an unhappy marriage."

Girls like Preeti, fresh out of college and pursuing a Masters degree in biotechnology, resent the dichotomy of demands laid out in matrimonial advertisements. She is more than a little angry when she demands to know, "What exactly do they mean by clubbing 'preferably employed' with 'homely and docile' or 'God-fearing'? It adds up to a contradiction: a woman of the world, but one who obeys them at home! I go through the whole charade only to satisfy my parents' sense of insecurity over my future."

Suhasini, actress (who has featured in over 175 films in four South Indian languages), director, scriptwriter and a feminist of some note, speaks categorically of the days prior to her happy, 13-year marriage to reputed filmmaker Mani Ratnam. "I would have just continued working. Marriage was not on my mind at all. I was independent, I was working. All the emotional support I wanted, I got from my parents. So I didn't feel lonely except, maybe, for the man-woman physical relationship. I don't think I lacked anything. I didn't fall in love with any man just because I was lonely."

Inspiration can also be drawn from the likes of Smita, a topper of the Indian Institute of Management, Ahmedabad, who married batch-mate Ajay. The couple had already agreed that they would have children only if and when Smita was ready for it. Instead of a two-day wedding extravaganza culminating in a monumental bill to be footed by her family, the religious rites were completed with only immediate members of the two families as witnesses. The bride and the groom co-hosted the reception, Smita wore the cotton she liked, and they preferred to mingle with the guests instead of going in for the usual elaborate podium arrangements.

But for most women who are economically and socially battered, the choices and expectations are few. For instance, Thayammanaval, a daily-wage labourer, who has neither formal schooling nor job security, looks for "a man who does not beat me and does not drink". With domestic violence a part of her daily life, she only wishes her physical torture would end and asks, "What more could I possibly want?" The disparity between what women want and what they get is as great as the yawning chasm in the support systems they are privy to. Till then, "I do" is only a verbal direction; the mind is saying: "I don't". — WFS

Seven ways to his heart
David Thomas

MEN want and expect many things from women. Men’s needs and wants have had several facelifts over the years, but it seems these seven traits remain rather constant in their list, although the order of importance might be different for each individual.

Of course ! But even in these enlightened days, far too many women, once they become wives, think that if they are good providers, good company and good mothers, that will suffice. There’s still too much of the old Victorian feeling of "leave all that kind of thing to him." A real wife must possess in fullest measure that cardinal female virtue, of being loving of herself, and knowing how to express love.

Not only sexually, but in every other way as well. A man needs beyond almost all else a woman who will respond automatically to his mood or feeling. Not one who reacts with hauteur, indifference or, worst of all, snaps "Don’t be silly !"

Spinsters often miss out on congenial male company because, unlike wives, widows and divorcees, they have never learnt to be amiable towards men in the way men like. This can be quite a separate quality from the above two, and need never reach out so far. But unless a wife is an amiable person, her marriage is doomed forever.

If there is one thing on this earth that 99 men out of 100 dislike intensely, it is a bossy woman. All right, one man in 100 needs such a wife, but the rest of us need one like a hole in the head. Usually, female bossiness goes with a loud and often harsh voice, a fierce facial expression, accusing eyes and an endless aggressiveness that must conceal in inner insecurity. But why, oh why play this hang-up out against the one man whom she is supposed to cherish and comfort? Nagging is, of course, a symptom of all this, although some women contrive to nag in an acidly carping way without trying to dominate. Perhaps they are the worst of all.

If only all wives could learn that jealousy is, in fact, the unwritten Eighth Deadly Sin. It is the most corrosive of all emotions, and also by far the most childish in any adult. A wife must dismiss jealousy from her mind because it, too, stems from a sense of emotional insecurity. If she is really feeling emotionally insecure in her marriage, a wife should question why. But jealousy never, repeat never, helps !

This is a quality so priceless in every wife that it ought really to be higher up the list. A woman who understands men, their foibles, their special way of looking at things, their needs and hates, is almost perfect. But a woman who fully understands one man, and who lives that understanding every day without resentment and with warmth, is the perfect wife.

This leads naturally into being sympathetic. There are a few days in any marriage when the husband does not deserve even a little pearl of sympathy, but that is where understanding comes in. If a wife cannot give it, then she is falling down badly on her job.

Spouses must be loyal to one another. What is more hurtful to any male ego, and in the process more damaging to any marriage, than the wife who belittles her man, his earning power, his worldly success, his clothes, his opinions, his efforts in general? It makes no difference whether she does it with humour or with sarcasm — the effect is the same. Whatever she may really think, she must stand up for him in the world. This is not to say she must not have views of her own. But to ridicule her mate to others is also to belittle herself. — AF