Coping with life sans a job
Aradhika Sekhon

In our society work and social status are so closely linked that the loss of a job can have a profound effect on a person’s life. Even if it is expected and has been planned for, as in the case of retirement, it affects a person’s pattern of existence and alters the way he regards himself.

Such changes are also bound to affect relationships with other people. Without the security and regularity of work, the unemployed persons may feel cut off from the world and may not know how to spend their time. They will have to make adjustments like getting used to the idea of doing more activities at home rather than at the workplace. So this is a crucial time for them to forge a bond with their family. This trying period can also put a strain on the marital relationship. However, with mutual support and co-operation, a couple can help each other face the new challenges.

“The fallout of loss of a job, or retirement, is that one loses one’s self-confidence. It is almost like losing one’s identity, when one realises how much one’s self- image depended on the work one did. The sense of isolation gets intensified because one also loses the social life that goes with a job. A recently retired person may also experience a feeling of uselessness and find it hard to adjust to a life without work,” says Jyoti Singh, sociologist, University of Winston-Salem, who was in Chandigarh recently. “Keeping in contact with old friends at work might help a person through this period of transition, but the faster you put your retirement plans into operation and begin developing neglected aspects of yourself, the less you will need to dwell on the past.” says Jyoti.

One of the most common problems retired and unemployed people face is adjusting to a different routine that centres around the home. It may thus be necessary for the couple to adopt a new approach to their respective roles. Each couple will have their own way of coping with the problem. By altering their habits, they can add a new dimension to their relationship. “Before my husband retired in 1974, he had never done a single chore in the house. After he retired, however, he took on a big share of household duties and that gave him a feeling of usefulness. In fact we established a joint routine successfully: going shopping together, visiting friends and when our grandchild was expected, it was my husband who was really keen to shop and make arrangements for his arrival,” says Mrs Harsharan Sekhon.

“ When my husband retired from the bank, our children had yet to be settled and our house loan had to be paid off, ” says Anita Verma [name changed]. “That was a bad time for us because, one, there was a big change in our lifestyle, and, two, the financial pressures were acute. My husband was depressed because he felt that he, being the breadwinner of the family, was not fulfilling his duty. The guilt was deepened because I still had my job and I had to work to make ends meet. But we managed to surmount this phase once we sat down and faced the problem. Once we spoke openly about our adjustment problems, we decided to use our energies in a constructive way.”

When a woman retires she is not likely to face the same social pressures as a man but she nevertheless has to face her own set of adjustment problems, more so if she primarily took up the job to ‘get out of the house’. A lot of women who have had to give up their jobs and careers in favour of their families admit to feeling ‘resentful and stagnated’ and find it hard to get into the role of a ‘traditional housewife’. After 25 years of working in the corporate sector, Asha Sharma, who had dreamed of unlimited post-retirement leisure, found herself suffering from withdrawal symptoms. She longed to get back to the familiar routine of her 9-to-5 job. “Looking after the house just did not seem enough to spend an entire day on. Also, while working, there is a feeling of financial independence that one misses after one leaves the job. In such circumstances, it’s easy to start feeling sorry for yourself. But such negative feelings must be removed lest they cause bitterness and alienate you from your partner and friends.” A sensitive partner can help one overcome this transitory period of life. “When there is a severe strain on a relationship, it is essential that partners do not forget the little gestures that reaffirm their faith in each other,” says Asha.

The change is not only difficult for the person who has retired, but also for his partner who has been used to organising her day at home by herself. Says Devki, who looks after children in a school, “ I found my husband getting in my way all the time after he retired.” Devki and her husband found that sometimes their needs conflicted because Devki had the routine of years behind her whereas he had lost his. However, both readjusted when she took up her present job in the school and he devoted his days to the practice of yoga and a part-time job.

Without a job to structure their lives, many people find themselves wondering, “What shall I do all day?” A person who has retired or lost his job gets a chance to rethink his life. He or she may decide that this is the time to brush up old skills or learn new ones. He or she may take up a hobby, perhaps using this as an opportunity to get out of the home. Exercise of some sort such as walking or working out is a useful way of keeping the weight down and the spirits high. The better the body feels, the more positive one feels about one’s self. Many retired people realise that this is the richest period of their lives, when they are able to fulfil long-cherished ambitions. Some concentrate on creating a beautiful garden; others take up painting, studying or writing; and there are those who use the time to deepen their relationships with family and friends. Doubtless, retirement can place a great strain on relationships but the retirees should be wary of expecting their partners to solve all their problems. If both spouses are committed to each other, they will be able to meet the challenge. 

Love at work — but will it work?

You may be smitten with your colleague, but does romance in the office lead to happiness or heartbreak? Answer these questions to find out if you and your love interest can make it work.

1. You have a crush on a colleague. Is he /she:

a Much more senior than you?

b. Much more junior than you?

c. About the same level?

2. How closely do you work with your colleague on a daily basis:

a. Very closely?

b. You work together every day but there are plenty of other people around and lots of variety?

c. You work in a different part of the building?

3. Is your colleague:

a. Married or in a long-term relationship?

b. Single?

c. Someone who has had lots of dates?

4. Does your colleague:

a. Feel happy with making your relationship public?

b. Insist on keeping your relationship a deadly secret?

c. Feel embarrassed about making your relationship public, but will go ahead?

5. During the work day:

a. Your colleague sends you a couple of e-mails and a few longing looks?

b. You are constantly sending e-mails and making phone calls to each other, making it difficult to concentrate on work?

c. He/she ignores you completely during the workplace?

6. Do you see each other at weekends and holidays, or is your relationship strictly confined to the time you get after work during the week?

a. After work only

b. After work, weekends and holiday — in fact every moment you can grab together

c. After work and Saturday nights

7. Do you respect your colleague’s abilities at work?

a. He/she is clever, capable and motivated

b. No — he/she is pretty pathetic

c. Yes — he/she is okay as a colleague

8. Do you feel proud of your feelings, or secretly ashamed?

a. Proud

b. Ashamed

c. Somewhat embarrassed

9. Do you find you have after things in common outside the office? For example, do you enjoy talking about everything under the sun, comparing your views about films, books, nature or anything else that springs to your mind?

a. You confine your talk to office matters — and romance

b. You have a million things to say to each other

c. You have interests in common

10. Do you come from roughly the same social background as your colleague?

a. Yes — you share friends and have a similar upbringing and education

b. No — you have very different backgrounds and friends

c.You have different backgrounds, but share friends and have similar educational qualifications

Calculate your score

1. a10 b5 c0

2. a10 b5 c0

3. a10 b0 c5

4. a0 b10 c5

5. a5 b0 c10

6. a10 b0 c5

7. a0 b10 c5

8. a0 b10 c5

9. a10 b0 c5

10. a0 b10 c5

70-100: You are in love — but you’re not going to like it. Basically, your crush or affair is based on attraction and not on a mutual basis of trust and respect. The relationship is doomed because is it inherently unequal. Your colleague probably does not think of you as a long-term prospect. Don’t let this go further without having a frank discussion. It is possible that you can make something of this situation, but not unless both of you can agree on your goals.

45-65: There is hope for your romance. You and your colleague have quite a lot in common and you certainly like and respect each other both in the office and out of it. That doesn’t mean that your future is assured. You need to be open about what you both need from the relationship. If it’s just a bit of fun, fine. But when deeper feelings are involved, one or both of you may get hurt.

0-35: You and your colleague seem to be made for each other — twin souls in the office. It’s lovely for both of you to be so much in love, and the chances are that the relationship will prosper. But beware of neglecting your work while love blossoms. Neither of you would want other colleagues to be irritated by your romance. AF