Sunday, November 4, 2001		Life Ties

KULDEEP was the eldest of six children. From the day he was born, his mother knew he was special. She did not recall a moment’s tension on his account. As an infant, he was never the bawling, demanding, attention-seeking brat which her subsequent offspring were. Considerate and thoughtful, he was sensitive to his parents’ needs and limitations. In his quiet, unassuming manner, he pitched in and helped his mother whenever he could. He was particularly protective about her because, in his limited way, he realised she was a beast of burden. It pained him to see her struggling to manage the house within a limited salary, looking after a complaining brood of brothers and sisters-in-law. The unkindest cut was the uncommunicative and unsympathetic attitude of his father. His heart would go out to her as he silently vowed to make life simpler for her.

In a subtle, but sure, manner she thrived on the attention she received from this special son of hers. As her dependence on him increased, his own lifestyle began to get cramped. He felt good being there for his mother, helping her to cope with the travails of housekeeping and the politics of relatives. But instead of going out into the world to explore and expand his perspective on life, career, values and future he developed a rigidity which comes with tunnel vision. He became too idealistic. His Gandhian values combined with his being a paragon of virtue distanced him from his peer group, who found little in common with him. While they could have a serious conversation with him, they could not nurture an informal bond.

As time went by, Kuldeep became withdrawn. He drew his sustenance from being a good son and elder brother. He felt good about himself by running errands for the family, contributing a large portion of his salary towards household expenses and resolving domestic conflicts. Rather than do the things his peers did— have a bit of light- hearted fun and laughter— he chose to burden himself with the nittygritty of the household. He was convinced that without his support and intervention, things would collapse and, more importantly, cause his mother that much more anguish and difficulty.

It wasn’t as if he was a mama’s boy, dutifully tied to her apron strings. He had just made her concerns his and, in the process, inadvertently restricted his self-growth. He curbed his affections for a girl in the neighbourhood, because he could not think of marriage till he had managed to get his sisters settled. He finally married when he was in his mid 30s. Fortunately, his wife Reena was simple and non-interfering and shared his sense of duty and responsibility. She never questioned his largesse towards his family nor made any demands of her own. She had limited needs and worked hard at making the children echo the same values and sentiments. Kuldeep, on his part, was a responsible husband and father, never failing in his duty towards them.

The only thing the children held against him was his inability to enjoy. Fun, leisure and entertainment for him were derogatory and avoidable. He felt guilty putting his legs up, indulging in lighthearted banter, spending a princely sum of thousand rupees on a mindless film or lavish meal. Every time his children suggested an outing, he wriggled out of it. When they were young, he refused without giving explanations but as they grew older and began to question the relevance of his ‘saintly’ habits, he had to find ways of getting out of sticky situations. He was neither a miser nor a killjoy. He just felt guilty indulging in avoidable expenditure. Images of deprival and suffering crossed his mind — parents living in a house where the roof leaked; sister having dowry problems; brother being unable to hold onto a job; father’s failing health etc. The children grew up resenting his seriousness. They drew comparisons with friends who holidayed together and went on fun-filled outings, movies and picnics whereas their father revelled in his PPK (Principal Programme Killer) status who deprived not just them but also their mother from having her share of fun. They were bitter about the fact that she had compromised from day one and had never articulated her own needs and desires. She had always bent backwards to be what he expected of her, spoiling him all the more.

However, with age and maturity they accepted him and learnt to appreciate his unflinching loyalty. A time came when they became protective about him. They would tell their mother that the family was taking undue advantage of his goodness and that he was a foolish sucker who could never say no. He was not getting younger and needed caring too. Why should everyone turn only to him for help? Why did he have to rush to his sister’s home when her husband had a heart attack or to his sister’s daughter who was having a rough time in her marriage or to his mother who had slipped in the bathroom and broken a hip bone? They could see that even when things could be sorted out, his presence was solicited. As a result, he was a constantly worried man. The thought of his parents’ discomfort or his extended family’s worries kept him awake. Had it not been for Reena, he would have kept slipping in and out of depression. It was her idea to get his parents to stay with them so that he could look after them and also not have to run every weekend to check on things. They stayed with them for close to a decade, during which time the kids got married and settled.

This was a period of revelations for Kuldeep. He now saw how his family had exploited him. His brothers and sisters had, over the years, conveniently distanced themselves from their share of elder care. Their money orders were whimsical and sporadic. Whenever the parents needed any of them to come and help out, they all had convincing reasons not to. He also saw that his mother had, in more ways than one, used him in various domestic battles with his father and siblings. Unwittingly, he had become a pawn. She had not allowed him to get too close to either of them. By staking sole proprietorial claim on him, she had compensated for most of the gaps in her life. He had wanted to play saviour and she had encouraged that. But it had made him very  unidimensional and boring too !

It was painful to see that the family he had given up his life for had not even appreciated him beyond empty laudatory words. His siblings were all better off than him. In spite of having a decent government job, he had very little to show at the end of the day. His open wallet and constant dips into the Provident Fund had left him with barely enough for his old age. He was happy seeing his younger brothers and sisters living more comfortable lives. Somewhere, it hurt that he had been the one all these years to have been offering a helping hand whereas they had sat tight.

He saw clearly that the victims had been his children. They had never had nice toys to play with or fancy clothes to wear. They had never asked him for the comfort of an air-conditioner or a car, when all their friends took such things for granted. They bought second-hand books and scouted flea markets for good bargains on clothes and picked up odd assignments while they were still in college to meet some of their expenses, without embarrassing him. Their marriages had been such simple affairs. Yet, none of them had ever complained. He felt guilty but it was too late to do anything. It hurt Reena to see the disillusionment and anguish.

Like always, she made him see the positive side. His being a dutiful son had given their children a role model. They had seen and imbibed the same set of values. He had set the perfect example. Yes, he had done it at the cost of his immediate family and had perhaps gone beyond what was necessary. By always shouldering his parents’ responsibility, he had also indirectly allowed his siblings to be irresponsible and mean but his children had no grouses. They had grown up with a more balanced outlook. Besides as parents, Kuldeep and Reena were neither going to make any unreasonable demands nor manipulate their affection and respect. It was time for them to start doing the things they never did. Take budget holidays and pilgrimages for starters. If the kids could join them it was fine, otherwise they would go ahead. For, it was better to be too dutiful than not be dutiful at all !