Sunday, November 11, 2001		Life Ties

VIDHUR and Kamini were both IIM graduates. They were lively, social and popular. Both joined an international bank that offered them fabulous salaries and perks. They belonged to aristocratic blue-blooded families and were acknowledged as an ideal couple long before they tied the knot. While most of their friends were working hard switching jobs, upgrading themselves and postponing marriages till they were financially stable, this lucky couple seemed to have everything laid out for them.

With two sets of parents, forever willing to pitch in and fill gaps, they embarked on their marital life with everything in place. They had money, taste and a zest for living life well. Though they were "ahead" of their peers, they had no superior airs. Their home was a regular den for friends, colleagues and relatives. If they were well-off, they certainly believed in sharing their good fortune.

Busy with their careers, they postponed plans of having a child. Their parents were broad-minded enough to allow them the freedom of deciding when to start a family.

When the years started rolling, senior family members began making concerned enquiries. Kamini was 29 and it was time they planned at least one child, if not two.

Unsure of how the couple would react, they maintained a stoic distance, casually broaching the subject in a veiled manner.

The formality of their relationship did not allow the couple to share their feelings. They had been trying to have a child for the last two years but had been pushing the prospect of treatment into the background. In spite of being so called men and women of the world, they were quite unfamiliar with scary pronouncements like infertility and low sperm count. While they knew that serious medical intervention was needed, they just keep postponing till later, sure there was no need to get paranoid.

Had the parents persisted or probed, without being rude or accusing, the youngsters might have accepted their guidance and help. The apparent shyness was only a veneer. Underneath were two insecure adults, embarrassed to admit they had a problem. Most of their friends were married with children. Vidhur was embarrassed about his "inability to father a child" and avoided meeting his old gang of friends. Though no one pointedly asked, he could feel their questioning gaze and unspoken concern.

However, Kamini could talk objectively of her problem without getting emotional.

They had been to an army of doctors. What compounded the problem was her being diabetic and allergic to a whole range of medication, limiting possibilities of treatment. Also, she had a mental block against procedures like artificial insemination. By the time she was 32, the families had agreed on adoption by which time Vidhur did a complete volte-face. Kamini saw little sense in going ahead with such a major decision with his non-acceptance. Plans were shelved.

The strain of not having a child was beginning to tell on the couple. There was an edginess to their relationship. Both were dignified enough not to play the blaming game, but somewhere the incompleteness of their union rankled and manifest itself in different ways. The spark had certainly gone out of the earlier bond which they shared. Which is why the timing was just right when Kamini conceived miraculously, more so since they had made a habit of abandoning treatments and doctors mid-way.

The day she was taken to the hospital for what was to be a Caesarean section, the full family was in attendance outside the operation theatre.

The jubilation began before they set eyes on the newborn. No one in their wildest dreams was prepared to see the disfigured bundle which was apologetically handed over by the doctor. The initial shock, grief and despair gave way to hope and resolve. Expert opinions were taken and treatment initiated. Progress was painfully slow. They had to get different surgeries done not just for cosmetic reasons but also to enable little Niti to grow normally. Her facial distortions threatened to mar her sight in one eye as she grew older. The families rallied around offering support, money and comfort.

But as months gave way to years it became tedious for them to continue giving their unstinted support.

Kamini's tears had dried. She had become a recluse, focused only on her child. She had given up her job. All day she saw the little one with her twisted smile, different shaped eyes, no eyebrows and a jawline which, in spite of correction, did not fit properly on the face. Vidhur's parents suggested they try again for a child and stop fussing over Niti at the cost of everything else. Kamini knew that deep down they were angry with her for giving birth to a daughter and that too to a disfigured one. The worst blow was when people, including Vidhur's parents, presumed Niti was mentally retarded. How was Kamini to tell everyone that her child's mental and intellectual faculties were perfectly normal, it was only the outer façade which was not, which too with time and treatment would improve. At least she was alive and growing up fine.

They had exhausted all their savings. Vidhur applied for a loan to send Kamini and Niti to America for the second phase of plastic surgeries. Niti was four years old. Vidhur's parents had taken the long distance concern route making regular phone calls and sending money, but they reduced their physical support.

In the initial months they had taken turns being with them for months at a stretch, but as the years went by they started maintaining a distance, not wanting to compromise their lifestyle.

Strangely, this silent discarding of Niti dissolved Vidhur's bitterness. The constant comparisons which he kept making, seeing his friends having boisterous relationships with their sons or enjoying hassle free married lives did not irk him much. He felt protective both for Niti and Kamini. He knew what had happened was not because they were wrong or inadequate.

It was God's will and He would help them find a way out. Fortunately, their long courtship and glorious initial years of marriage had given them enough moments of happiness to last a lifetime. The family could be depended upon for resources and/or money, which too was a boon but for strength, courage and hope they only had each other to turn to.

Coping with a crisis which was not going to dissipate in a hurry was difficult and fraught with tension. They re-programmed their lifestyle,priorities and needs. Their only concern was getting Niti to lead a normal life. When Kamini returned from the US after six months, Niti was 80 per cent better.

Vidhur and Kamini knew that peers could be ruthlessly unforgiving about any oddity and here their precious one was still not what you would call blemish-free, with a peaches n' cream complexion. They would have to spend a lifetime giving people explanations about what was the matter with her and so would she. They took a joint decision. Not to be embarrassed by their little one.

First to muster the courage to present her to the world as she was and then to instill in her the confidence to be her own person. The 5 years that Kamini had invested in her had borne fruit. Niti showed signs of being a gifted child. When Vidhur showed off her drawings and pencil sketches, which numbered in hundreds, to an artist friend he could feel a surge of fatherly pride seeing the excitement it evoked in him. The friend took it upon himself to organise a solo exhibition. She had talent, their little one.

They had done what they could do in terms of treatment and now it was time to move on as a harmonious threesome. Unless they came to terms with what their daughter was and took pride in her achievements, how could they expect the world to respond positively to her?

The challenge of raising a normal adult was now their prime concern and for this they had to create a normal home, filled with sights, sounds, smells and activities befitting a normal household.

They decided to revert to doing the things they loved doing, to being the people they were and to bringing back fun and joy into their lives.