Sunday, November 18, 2001		Life Ties

KIRTI was an eligible bachelor. Sarita, his widowed mother had a tough time warding off proposals which flooded them through friends, relatives and strangers. She had three daughters to marry and Kirti had to be settled before any of them could think of marriage. It flattered her to see him as a ‘good catch’ in the marriage market. Always a topper, Kirti was extremely respectful to elders. He was also strikingly handsome and there was little doubt in Sarita’s mind that whenever he chose to marry, he would be ‘good husband material’.

Sarita’s middle daughter got married and moved to the US, thus paving the way for Kirti to go for further studies to Los Angeles. After studying for four years, he joined a computer software company as senior analyst and by the time he was 29 he got a partner. Sarita and her daughters were worried about the delay in his marriage plans. Since he had been in the States for a decade, they felt he would have a better idea of what he wanted in a partner and it would be better still if he were to find one for himself. Kirti had friends and enjoyed socialising, but he did not have a steady girl friend. Being a serious sort he was averse to short-term relationships that were sought only with the objective of "having a good time". Besides, he had been so busy with his career that he had studiously avoided "an entanglement". He knew a relationship demanded time, which he did not have.

He finally told his mother he was ready to marry and open to the idea of a girl from India. His only request was that while retaining her traditional Indian values, she should be educated and brought up in a manner which would enable her to adjust in the western milieu. He wanted a wife who could be a friend and a soul-mate. One who could think for herself and evolve with him as an equal mate.

He took to Simi instantly. She had an endearing child-woman quality. She seemed mature and level-headed. At the same time, she was capable of letting her hair down. A quick engagement was followed by an even quicker wedding. They met a few times before the engagement and were sure that they would be able to "vibe well together". The chemistry was right and they seemed to have similar views on most issues. The wedding was a lavish extravaganza. Money flowed like water and ceremonies stretched to over a week of festivities and the general mood was flamboyant and upbeat.

On returning to LA, Kirti found himself in charge of a delicate project involving cantankerous but important clients. Much as he would like to have spent time with Simi, he was forced to keep late hours and work over weekends which was actually an exception in the American work environment. He kept reassuring her that once this assignment was over, they would take a long holiday across Europe. He was looking forward to re-discovering the West as a happily married man.

The weeks flew by. He knew Simi was getting restless, withdrawn, tense and irritable. He ignored her mood swings by telling himself it was a phase and that everything would be alright once they spent time together, like any other normal couple. What made him snap out of this "all is well" mode was when he was forced to see personality changes. During a visit to a colleague’s house, he saw her laughing at a narration of a serious accident of a teammate. Before leaving, when everyone was saying their byes, she burst into tears without provocation. Kirti realised Simi was high-strung. He made it a point to come home early the next day and took her out to a restaurant that she liked. That night she seemed somewhat appeased but in the morning she had reverted to her sullenness.When he returned late from office that night, he was confronted with a scary sight. Simi had been crying all day. Her eyes were puffy and she greeted him by hurling slippers, paper-weights and vessels and accused him of having an affair with the colleague whose home they had visited the other day. No amount of reasoning made her see how far she was from the truth.

Things became steadily worse. She started getting delusions and hallucinations. She began keeping a track of his movements, hounding him on the mobile, cross checking with his secretary to make sure he was telling the truth about where and with whom he was at a given point of time. Seeing his crumpled shirt, she would get insane, and claw him as she accused him of maintaining physical contact with his colleague. Her personal hygiene dipped and when she was sober she would be hostile, fixing a reptile-like gaze on Kirti, refusing to manage the household. Unable to handle the stressful situation, Kirti called his mother, so that he could get his project out of the way. By now, he knew Simi needed medical attention. What Simi was suffering from was not something that stemmed from neglect or lack of attention. It was a mental disorder. More than anything, he was worried she would physically attack him or actually carrying out her suicidal threats.

Sarita initially felt they were going through adjustment problems. A change of scene would restore bliss and harmony. But when she saw the haggard state they were both in, she was not too sure. Her arrival aggravated Simi’s paranoia. Now she started accusing both son and mother of plotting against her. She felt she was being persecuted, watched and spied upon. All this when Kirti was his most gentle self. He was, as far as his temperament was concerned, mild-mannered. Now, he was even more gentle, since he knew that her sickness had little to do with him. He was not responsible for her illness. He was neither having an affair nor was he ill-treating her. He was not getting provoked with her violent behaviour. Thanks to information procured from the Internet, he had put his finger to the ailment. With Sarita here, he would get his fears confirmed by a qualified medical expert to see if she was indeed schizophrenic.

After a prolonged series of examinations and tests, they were told by the team of doctors that Simi needed hospitalisation. Her schizophrenia was severe and in this state she could cause fatal damage to him and also end up killing herself. Sarita’s first reaction was: "How is my son going to handle this ? He doesn’t deserve this ? Why didn’t her parents warn them ? Surely this problem hadn’t surfaced overnight, she must have been on medication before, if so why had they been cheated ?" When she talked to her daughters, the unanimous decision was that Kirti should file for divorce. They had been married barely a year and had no child, making it easy to get out of the doomed relationship. Although it would be traumatic, he could make a clean break. The sisters began drawing up a list of prospective brides.

Nothing all this while had provoked Kirti to get into a rage. He had been upset with the turn of events, but not angry. His mother and sisters’ attitude enraged him. Hadn’t the doctors said that the disease was incurable but not untreatable? She needed medication, hospitalisation, regular follow-up, residential and rehabilitation programmes, nutrition, rest, exercise and electroconvulsive therapy. He and the extended family needed education on the disease and counselling. They had to be prepared for a long innings of uncertainty and stress before normal married life could be resumed and that too with lifelong medical intervention. He intended following doctor’s advice. If they felt it was okay to keep her at home, he would and if they suggested institutionalisation he would go by their opinion.

Meanwhile if Sarita expected him to dump her and remarry she was going to be disappointed. Had they got to know about her illness before they married, he could have opted out and "saved his skin," but now that they were married and he loved her, there was no way he was going to desert her. She needed help. He was going to stand by her every inch of the way. He had already enlisted in various self-help groups over the Internet to acquaint himself with the complex and puzzling ailment which had afflicted his wife and he was not giving up on hope. Not as yet.