Sunday, November 25, 2001		Life Ties

MINI and Preet’s was an arranged match. When an elderly family member came and placed a bonny baby boy in Mini’s lap after the pheras, she knew they were blessing her not just with wishes for a blissful married life but also for successfully producing healthy male offspring. Soon she was in the family way. Preet was sure it was going to be a boy. Mini had doubts though her gut feeling was that she would not disappoint him. When the doctor confirmed their feeling, after an ultrasound, they officially began planning their sonny boy’s arrival. Preet did not want his modest salary from a government job to dictate the kind of celebrations he had in mind for his first-born. He dipped into his Provident Fund and indulged in lavish functions, whether it was the gaud bharayee, naamkaran or the mundan ceremony when the time came.

Chirag seemed to be the answer to all their prayers. He was a Murphy baby look-alike. Preet invested in a Sony Handycam to capture every moment of his growing son’s childhood. Mini and Preet had mutually arrived at the decision of having just one child. Since they did not want to compromise on his upbringing, they felt it was best not to add to their family. Maybe, if they had been blessed with a daughter first, they would have tried for a son. Fortunately, the Lord had been kind and they could now focus their collective energies in actually making him the chirag of their lives and families. The best electronic toys were bought for him. Catalogues and manuals were devoured as they acquainted themselves with educational aids best suited to the age of their child.

Preet took pride in being "an involved dad". He recalled how his father never knew what class his children were in. This was not so in Preet’s case. If at all, here was a classic case of role reversal. At family functions, the conversation revolved around Chirag’s latest achievements. At home his every development was monitored. He was put through coaching classes, his IQ was assessed via tests downloaded from the Internet. Elaborate schedules were worked out. There were art classes to hone creative abilities; horse riding to train fitness and sporting instincts; theatre to help develop personality and regular visits to exhibitions and plays to give him a feel of what people were doing.

Preet had no doubts that his Chirag would be the family’s flagbearer and do them proud. While Preet himself was stuck in a regimented, uninteresting job which had limited growth prospects he knew his son would write his own destiny. He would be an achiever with strong leadership skills. With the kind of time, effort, money and emotions that had been invested in him, he had to rise upto their expectations.

Chirag was an observant child. He was sharp and quick on the uptake. But that didn’t make him a sure-shot front-runner. He was moody and took time opening up. If he wanted he could max his Maths tutorial, scoring an unbeatable 100 per cent and if he was disinterested, he was capable of giving in an empty answer sheet, irrespective of the repercussions.

The first time his class teacher summoned Preet and Mini to discuss his erratic performance, they felt there had been a mix-up. The child in question could not be their son. When work sheets were bought out to substantiate the school’s observation, Preet launched into an offensive and said: "It was the school’s responsibility to generate interest in the child’s mind". "The methodology was faulty and perhaps the teacher was playing favourites." "If the same child on a certain day could mannaage to do the same things correctly why would he not do them on another day?". When the argument became heated, the principal told them they were free to remove their child from the school’s rolls, if they were so dissatisfied.

Unable to accept Chirag’s falling grades and still convinced that he was a genius, Preet decided to shift him from the school. Strings were pulled to put him into another leading school of the city. This was backed with some personal coaching. The physical exhaustion, combined with the mental grilling that instilled in him that he had to be the best, had actually dulled his senses. Though, Chirag tried to push his body to perform his mind was not too excited at the prospect of being declared a winner, achiever or front-runner. He wanted to be laid-back, do nothing, score average grades and be away from probing eyes which were forever questioning if he needed anything. He wanted to be left alone. Seeking those quiet moments, he often "vanished" and after much search would be found sitting in the servant’s quarters playing marbles or talking to squirrels in a corner of the garden.

As Chirag grew older, he realised that he was actually a mediocre player. He lacked the ambition, drive and intellect to be what his father wanted him to be. Although, he did try to come upto his dad’s expectations, his effort nearly always dissipated him since he was not trying to excel for himself. It was always with the objective of pleasing his father or mother. Rather than become a habit or a way of life, it remained just as sporadic sparks of brilliance. All the extra classes, pep-talks and row of tutors tired,bored and infuriated him. While he still did not have the guts to rebel or throw nasty tantrums, being a mild and quiet child, he did feel like running away from all that was planned out for him.

When Preet’s dreams of seeing his son win prestigious championships begun to get shattered, he became withdrawn. He started looking haggard and much older. Unable to accept his son’s mediocrity, he would initially disbelieve results. He would insist with organisers to re-check scores, convinced there had been rigging or a mistake. When he finally began to see that Chirag was consistently producing average results, barely scraping through classes without impacting teachers, instead of accepting his child’s mental make-up and ability, he stepped up the coaching pressure further. He started taking decisions on the boy’s behalf, hoping to "put him on the right track."

By the time Chirag reached college, communication between father and son had deteriorated to the extent that both avoided being in the house when the other was in. They studiously kept out of each other’s hair. The entire neighbourhood was clued on what was happening in their household. Whenever the father and son were thrown together, the verbal duels would produce an earth-shattering noise with both accusing the other for all the wrongs in his life. Things got aggravated after Chirag was forced to take up chartered accountancy by his father who was convinced that it was a lucrative profession. Chirag did not have a head for numbers. He hated maths and science and wanted to pursue theatre and script-writing as a profession. This really irked Preet. He laughed at his son’s sissy aspirations, losing no opportunity to deride him, make fun of his ambitions and interests and even began attacking his choice of friends and way of dressing.

In the midst of these daily fights, Mini was reduced to playing peace-maker. She took turns appeasing first the father and then the son. She worried for both. Preet was hypertensive and these verbal duels made his blood pressure shoot up. She also knew that Chirag was at such a delicate stage that if he was constantly being provoked, he would actually walk out of the house. She tried telling Preet to let Chirag be. She felt that Chirag should be allowed to take his own decisions, stand up on his feet and learn from his mistakes. The umbilical cord had to be severed. Unless they let him take flight, how would he discover himself. Surely, he had some talent. This way, with the daily grinding and nagging, they were not only demotivating him but also ruining their relationship with him. It was difficult for Preet to take his wife’s advice but when Chirag did not clear his CA inter exams after three attempts he decided to let the boy go. Chirag got through Delhi’s National School of Drama and is today a sought after theatrewallah. His hopes, dreams and ambitions have all been chalked out. He wants to go to Mumbai, act in films and finally set up a repertory of his own.

Meanwhile he has been invited to France for a theatre festival. He has found his calling. He may or may not make it to the big league but at least he is doing what he likes and is mending fences with his parents. With acceptance on both sides they are able to communicate without being daggers drawn. Finally.