Sunday, December 2, 2001		Life Ties

Learning to be happy
Taru Bahl

WAITING. Waiting was what determined Ashima’s existence. Waiting for her father to put her into medical college. Waiting for him to map out her professional ambitions. Waiting for him to find a suitor. Waiting for him to nod in approval and boom with a resounding, "that’s-my-girl" pat on the back. Waiting for him to shop for her trousseau. Waiting for him to come home for dinner. Her days and nights had turned into one long wait. So much so that even though she would lie awake in bed, waiting for the alarm to ring at 5 am to enable her to spring out of bed.

Ever since her mother had died of cancer, leaving behind father and daughter, the onus of running an efficient home and filling in her mother’s absence was the only priority in the young girl’s mind. Her father toyed with the idea of remarriage, but gave it up for "Ash’s sake". The need to make him happy and not regret his decision was crucial to Ashima’s own happiness. If he was upset, she would be upset, if he was worried, she would be worried, if he felt lonely she would be lonely and if he was happy, she would be ecstatic.

When she got engaged to Sahil, a young officer in the Merchant Navy, she was excited at the prospect of seeing the world and filling her life with countless curiosities.

Though it was meant to be a quick wedding, the couple ended up having a four-year-long courtship. Sahil’s elder sister was having trouble with her marriage and resolving that took time. For Ashima, waiting had become a way of life. She had reconciled to happiness knocking on her doorstep and then teasingly playing peek-a-boo.

She allowed the forces that bring about joy, happiness and exhilaration to have the upper hand, willingly surrendering to dampers and let downs, Not for a moment did she try to turn the wheel or try to make things work out in her favour. She did not fight and struggle to make others see her point of view, hurt and anguish. She chose not to make any conscious efforts at steering happiness towards her or allow it to engulf her with its exuberance.

Ashima and Sahil finally got married. Her hopes dashed to the ground when she found she was terribly sea-sick. Her first trip on the ship was nauseatingly nightmarish as she constantly threw up and as a result developed severe hydrophobia and dehydration. Doctors advised her not to venture into the sea till she overcame her ailment. The new bride settled down to a six-month wait, striking days off the calendar, waiting for Sahil to return. Meanwhile, she waited for his letters, e-mails and phone calls.

The very thought of missing his phone call was anathema to her. They couldn’t fix a time, since he was sailing and called whenever he touched shore. He repeatedly told her to carry on with her routine and not spend hours waiting for the phone to ring but Ashima would wait nevertheless. She wouldn’t eat for days, mooning over the long period of non-contact. Her entire body language was jumpy and erratic. It was as if she was in a constant state of nervous tension. What she did not see was that most of it was self-created.

With time, she learnt to accept Sahil’s tedious and unpredictable job. His shipping company rarely stuck to its schedules.

If they were to sail for a fortnight before reaching a port, they would take three weeks and if they were to have a week’s halt somewhere, they would set sail on a 24-hour notice. Sahil too was unable to grasp the intensity of his wife’s feelings. He knew his calls made her feel good, but he never did realise just how much his small gestures mattered to her. When he returned after a six-month sailing period, he would get busy meeting friends, relatives and catching up on things he had not done in a long while. Most of this excluded Ashima. She was again left to wait in the wings. Wait for him to return at odd hours of the night. Wait for him to be loving. Wait for him to patch up after they had a tiff. Wait for him to decide the right time of starting a family. Wait for him to give his approval for a job she wanted to pursue. Wait for him to teach her driving. Wait for him to read the manuals of the home theatre system and other hi-tech gizmos so that they could be made operational. And wait for him to turn over a new leaf and become responsible and more demonstrative in his affections for her. She postponed her happiness till those elusive moments of perfection turned into reality.

One positive thing was that in those long and torturous hours of waiting, she learnt to fill her days with embroidery, writing in her diary and read with a passion that was almost maniacal. These were activities she was responsible for and they were not dependent on others. If she ran out of embroidery threads, she could run across to the store and buy them. If her diary was fast filling up, she could request her dad to part with one of the many corporate stationary gifts he loved to hoard. At no time was she to be found without two to three books by her bedside. Before they would be half over, she would buy or borrow from the lending library. In her own way, she had learnt the art of self-preservation. She had reconciled to not being happy in body, mind and spirit but she could at least learn to be happily busy doing things which gave her pleasure.

Interestingly, it was these seemingly innocuous pastimes which brought her acclaim and enthused her life with meaning and fulfillment. Her embroidered linen and wall-hangings were a hit with friends, who pushed her into opening a gift outlet in her garage. Random ramblings in the diary were picked up by a close friend who insisted she show them to a publisher. Her serious devouring of books led to her turning into a formal book reviewer. All this happened on its own, without any design or planning.

The happiness that came from doing a job well was so enormous and unfamiliar that it set Ashima thinking. Why had she deprived herself from savouring the complete flavour of this emotion for so long ? Happiness in varying intensities had always been hovering over her like the friendly little Casper ghost, invisible yes, but very much present. By giving the controls of her life to others, by turning them into God figures and by reducing herself almost to a beggar-like status she had kept an unfriendly distance from happiness. It was there and yet it was like a UFO or an alien. She knew that happiness could not be a constant in one's life. There were bound to be hurts, upsets and moments of grief and pain but if she decided to be happy at the end of the day, no one could stop her. Neither Providence nor the people in her life could give her the kind of unadulterated, no-strings-attached brand of happiness which she could create for herself.

Barely had she put this resolution into practice that she begun to feel nicer. There was a spring to her step, her eyes sparkled brilliantly, face radiated and she began wearing brighter colours. She was constantly humming cheerful numbers and there was a lightness of being that she experienced. She was always pleasant to look at, but now she became positively striking. The compliments she received whenever they went out, made Sahil look at her again. Now that she was no longer expecting him and others to do what she sub-consciously had all along waited for, she found her relationships more spontaneous. They too had been freed of the guilt and responsibility of doing things to make her happier. Not that they had always complied in the past, but somewhere it had made them conscious of their inadequacy and failings.

Now they were voluntarily wanting to do things which they thought would make her happier. Next time round when Sahil went sailing, Ashima enrolled in a driving school and joined a computer course. She also decided that she would plan her baby before the year was over. By taking control over her life, she found herself more productive, happier and restful. She knew that this state of calmness was not like the lull before the storm. It would stay, irrespective of what happened. For, she had now decided to be happy. Miraculously, she found that she was no longer sea-sick !