Sunday, December 30, 2001		Life Ties

MAYANK took life rather seriously. He searched for meaning in whatever he did and believed in giving all his relationships a definite direction and expected people to be responsible, executing their different duties and roles to the best of their abilities. He filled his day with things and chores which were productive and useful. His needs were limited. He was more focused on being the person he felt he ought to be rather than in projecting an image which was more in keeping with the times. He was looked upon as being a conventional, honourable and dependable son/husband/father.

His wife Meera appreciated his qualities though there were times when she felt that he was "too good to be true" and "out of sync with the times." She was more practical in her outlook and prided herself for having her head and heart in the right place. In the initial years, there were no major differences between them. Caught up in the maze of domestic responsibilities and demanding professions, there was little time to dwell on the subtleties of their relationship.

Meera picked up a job even though Mayank was not too much in favour of her doing so. He felt that bringing up their daughters was a full-time task and he was in any case earning enough for them to live comfortably. She begged to differ, constantly making him see their family’s mounting needs and dwindling bank balance. She felt that unless she pitched in they would never be able to marry their daughters off respectably. Besides, it was her belief that one had to "do in Rome as the Romans do".

She had to keep pace with others in their social circle. The house had to be maintained in a certain way, her family had to dress up passably if not fashionably, they had to buy gadgets and equipment which everybody had acquired years ago. They also had to, she felt, take occasional holidays, eat out at restaurants and be seen in the company of the right set of people. She was quick to point out that she did understand and respect his views on the matter yet she would like him to see her point of view. Why should they stick out as sore thumbs ? They could surely adopt a lifestyle which allowed them to blend with the rest. She was only suggesting a moderate path which was in the best interests of her family. Besides, she was not demanding that he change his outlook, only he let her do what she felt was the need of the hour.

Mayank did not believe in clamping his directives on anybody, least of all his wife. He only expressed his views and sentiments with the hope that the people who loved and respected him would not deviate from what he considered correct. Yet, whenever those closest to him said or did anything which was completely at variance with his basic beliefs, it hurt him. He kept these hurts to himself and suppressed them, so much so that he even avoided admitting it to his own self the feeling of being betrayed. What pained him was not so much the fact that they wanted to assert their own individuality, executing what they felt was correct but the realisation that he did not matter, his feelings and values were not considered important or worth emulating. If he had never deviated from the path he had considered correct all his life, he expected his immediate family to share the same philosophy even if they did not have the same passion.

He was not out to score brownie points with Meera or trying to outdo or prove her wrong. Yet, it agonised him to see his daughters cast more in the mould of his wife than him, echoing the same feelings, sentiments and values. They, he felt, were channelling all their energies to chase a mirage. By wanting to keep up with the Joneses, they were depleting their intelligence as well as physical and spiritual energies in trivialities instead of developing themselves, learning new things, refining sensibilities and turning into young women who were strong inside out.

Gradually a chasm developed between Mayank on one end and Meera and the daughters on the other. There was little they did together as a foursome. And those that they did were more out of a sense of obligation than choice. The family was reconciled to him being a bookworm and for them he was someone who was anti-social and frugal in his needs, even to the extent of being miserly. He, in turn, could only see their disgruntled faces, complaining voices, envious expressions and the desperate longing for things which were way beyond their reach. It replused him. Their obsession with material goods combined with a full-time preoccupation with gossiping about family, friends and neighbours made him want to escape. For the first time in his life, he actually put his mind to options which would free him from the clutches of "these women". Somewhere in his mind, they had long ceased to be his wife and daughters. If he had switched off or buried himself under heaps of papers and books, Meera and the girls presumed it was a decision he had taken out of choice. By letting him do so, they felt they were giving him space and absolving him from domestic chores. They failed to see his disappointment and misery, rather they inwardly cringed at his rigidity and single-minded interest in things which bore no fruit. Perceiving the same thing differently, they ended up precipitating the gap which in turn manifested itself in other areas of their life and relationships.

While Meera at least understood Mayank’s value system, the girls were downright dismissive of it. Brought up largely by their mother, they only knew how to weigh actions, feelings and achievements in monetary terms. They rated their father low on their success-rating chart. As they grew older, they were becoming more self-willed, opinionated and insolent. They were intolerant, impatient and unladylike. What upset Mayank was to see how unidimensional and shallow his offsrping were. He knew their foundation was faulty because he had been weak and unsuccessful in his parenting role. By compromising on the bigger things, giving in to their whims and letting them evolve on their own, he had deprived them of a backbone and depth. If he as a father, provider and master of the house had to compromise in the name of devotion and caring, he ought to have done so on the smaller issues. By not doing so, he had let them turn into monsters, incapable of keeping anyone, including themselves happy. Somewhere even Meera realised this, but it was too late to undo the damage. Seeing her daughters flitting in an out of relationships, switching jobs at the slightest hint of better prospects, changing loyalties from one group of friends to another in an attempt to move a few notches up the social ladder she dreaded to think of their futures.

Who would marry them ? Would they be able to understand what it took to keep a marriage happy ? What value system would they pass on to their own children ? Would they be there for their old parents ? Her mind drew a blank. Their common worries brought Meera and Mayank back together as soulmates. This gave them the strength to at least take on what life had to offer and hopefully be fit enough in mind and spirit to be there for their errant daughters.