So near...so far!

In long-distance marriages, healthy doses of communication are needed to sustain the relationship. Despite modern technology offering ways to shrink the space between these spouses, if one partner flounders in walking that extra mile to remain in touch, it can prove to be a recipe for marital conflict, says Komal Vijay Singh

MARRIAGE, they say, is a complex relationship. If you can make it succeed it is the greatest blessing on earth. Yet, look around and you will find quite a few married couples putting up with an even greater challenge. They are going through life's tough journey staying apart from each other, either out of choice or circumstances. Fat pay packets, dual earnings, need for a financially secure future, the nature of their jobs coerce couples to go in for a long-distance marriage.

Marriage means having a sangi-saathi by one's side. Yet, at times, huge distances separate couples. Despite the loneliness that assails them, the belief in staying committed to each other, whether physically together or apart, and making the marriage work in the face of all odds is what sustains them.

With the focus on building long-term happiness, they carry on with life and everyday chores with a can-do attitude. With e-mail at their fingertips and a mobile phone in hand, they weather the distance by staying in touch with each other on a daily basis.

The recipe for a good marriage always has communication as its main ingredient. And in case of couples staying apart, one needs healthy doses of communication or the C factor. But despite modern technology offering ways to shrink the space between them, if one partner flounders in walking that extra mile to remain in touch, such a relationship has often proven to be a recipe for marital conflict with divorce as its end product.

Ritu Pathak's husband Vicky has stayed overseas for the better part of their three-year-long married life. Staying with "doting in-laws", she says separation is hard on both of them but they laugh away the blues by talking to each other every afternoon. Despite the heavy-on-the-pocket travel costs, Vicky comes home every six months or she joins him. "His stay abroad is for our long-term financial security and that is why we have put having a child on hold." Her husband says, "The fact that my wife is praying for my success is my mainstay. This separation is just a temporary phase till the time I get settled".

Ritu says that despite the prophets of doom trying to scare her with declarations that her husband might find someone else, she has trust in their relationship. "If he were by my side what is to stop him from having a dalliance?" she queries. "Either a marriage is based on trust or it is not. I cherish our intimacy and so does he. I have never worried about him cheating on me."

Come to think of it, most marriages of Army personnel have withstood separation brought on by war, field posting, the decision taken to ground the family at one particular place for the sake of growing children's education etc, since ages. Army wives know the occupational hazards right at the onset. And with courage, they devote their lives to bringing up children single-handed, fervently praying for the husband's return for a few days or months.

Nitu Sanan, married to Gaurav Sanan since five years, rattles off the number of wedding anniversaries and birthdays that she and her husband have celebrated away from each other. She says Army marriages are "on-off marriages". Herself the daughter of an Army officer who saw action in Sri Lanka as part of the Indian Peace Keeping Force, she says this on-off affair is a part of life. Marrying an Army officer entails being wedded to insecurity and apprehension about each other's well-being but that is how it is, she says matter-of-factly. She stayed with her toddler son for two-and-a-half years at a remote camp in the North-East while her husband was stationed at posts in high-altitude areas. "Besides, the regiment backs the families fully. The children's schooling and any medical problems are taken care of. In moments of depression there is always someone one can talk to", she declares.

"When distance separates us, we turn to God for solace. For instance, I have become more religious. Prayer works like therapy. Over a period of time, one learns not to voice one's fears. When my husband was away for almost a year during Operation Parakram on the border in 2001-2002 and the threat of war loomed large over us, I just kept my fingers crossed," she says.

Topinder Kang, who had a long stint in the Valley, says the hardest part is not being able to see your child grow, missing out on various milestones reached. He says with communication links still being weak in maximum-security areas one can only live in hope of "the next chhutti". His wife, Ratinder, pipes in, "When my husband was away to Kashmir all I did was stay hooked to the news on television or read the newspaper."

"These days, more than ever, it is one round of training after another for Army men. With the husband away one may not be alone but lonely one surely is. These periods of separation are not only emotionally distressing but the cost of running two establishments is also a huge drain on finances", she says.

"One positive thing about this living apart is that one cherishes the little time spent together. We understand the sacrifices each of us has made and the courage involved in keeping the family together. The children, too, learn to be self-dependent", Ratinder says. As the saying goes: They can't go over it, they can't go under it and there is no going around it so they just have to go through it.

People do it all the time and make it work. It can be hard but it is well within the realm of the possible, feels Anil Kumar Chopra. A marine engineer by profession, he works as a chief engineer on an oil tanker. He is on the high seas for four to six months at a stretch. He touches home base for four months of his own accord. Then he is off again.

Does he not feel helpless or frustrated at times when he is away from his wife and three children? The query is greeted with a guffaw. "I lead a perfect life, and my family too. When I am on ship, I have ample time for self-improvement. I catch up on reading books for personal growth. I fax the extracts that I find appealing to my wife. We keep in touch through e-mail. I talk to her at least once a day."

But does he not miss physical proximity? "Too much closeness at times is not good. Thodi doori achchhi hai", he declares. "Plus, if I had a regular job I would not have been able to earn so much. My wife would have had to work. At least, for the time I am away my wife is there full-time for the kids. When I am here she is there for me. We are lucky we have money to burn at both ends while people struggle to earn money at both ends", he says.

His wife Manju proudly says she has bravely put up with sending her three kids to three different schools. She has handled emergencies on her own. And she has emerged a much stronger and confident woman on this count.

Geetika, a business development manager, stays with her in-laws and infant son in Delhi while her husband, Girish Mamtani, who works for a multinational, is posted at Jaipur.

Terming her husband's absence as a blessing in disguise, she says, "He would keep giving me advice on how to take care of the baby. Now, I can do things my way. Whether it is right or wrong, God knows!" But she rues the fact that he is not around to see the baby smile and gurgle. "There is no one with whom I can have a heart-to-heart talk. The baby keeps me occupied when I am home but what do I do when he is asleep. How much TV can I watch?

Even reading is not a good enough distraction. No one can fill the void in my life brought upon by his absence."

When asked whether she has thought of quitting and joining him there, she says, "No way. Maybe I will take leave and join him for a few days. With jobs being scarce and the fear of recession being all-prevailing I need to work."

This is just a phase in life that Geetika hopes will soon pass with her husband getting posted back to Delhi when his bosses deem it fit.

But Vinny Dhillon feels a long-distance marriage, for whatever period, is unhealthy and brings separation of the hearts and minds also in its stead. For five years, she toiled in New York, earning enough to finance her husband's higher education in California. The phone calls on weekends and his trips once in five months or so sustained her. When she became a mother, her mother came over to stay with her for three months so that she could continue going to work.

"I thought I was building a secure future for my family. But my husband was having a relationship with another woman. When I could not stand it any longer and came to India with my daughter for a vacation to think things over, he filed an abduction case against me for taking away his daughter without telling him. He is now pressing me to sign divorce papers and says he won't give me a single cent as maintenance", she informs.

Then there is the case of Manpreet Ahuja, an IIT, IIM pass-out, who married a marketing manager. A few months after marriage, when he was posted to Kolkata, his wife stayed put in Mumbai. When the frequency of phone calls started decreasing and she stopped answering his calls at times, he thought she was caught up in her work. On an impulse, he thought he would surprise his wife on her birthday. He finally got to see his wife in the wee hours when she returned home after partying with 'a friend'. He is now going through an ugly divorce with his wife accusing him of impotence.

"One can grow apart if one is apart for too long. One does not even realise how six months turn into a year and more and how much emotional deprivation one has suffered," says Manpreet.

Separations are a part of life. They can be a huge strain but one can put up with them provided one does not lose sight of one's joint goals. The need is to stay committed to each other and remain in constant touch. The sacrifices made in terms of togetherness are, to some extent, compensated by the faith and strength gained to struggle and survive.

These couples believe marriage means hanging together through thick and thin. The art of making such a relationship survive lies in counting the positives and shooing away negativism. Love, trust and commitment can conquer the longest distance. It is a long and arduous journey but what you toil and sweat for does bear fruit.

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