RELATIONSHIP MONITOR
See the world through the eyes of your child
Aditi Garg

WE all like to believe that parenthood is a tough job. When we are through with the miseries of growing up to be an adult, we tend to forget what it meant to be a kid. The phase of life that we are currently in is always the toughest. When we are young, it seems a big deal if we have a semester exam or a fight with a friend. As we grow out of these things, we also forget the intensity of the strain they could put us under.

To best understand your child, try to see the world as you did at his age. You may not let him do everything his way but your attitude might get a bit softer. Discipline is a way of life that cannot be learnt overnight. It can be acquired only by seeing others set a glorious example and not by continually reprimanding and belittling the child. Who else, but the parents should be setting an example for their kids to follow. We should not expect our kids to be soft-spoken if we keep bellowing at the maids and servants all day. To do so would be to teach them that this is the way of getting things done. And then, be ready for being yelled at. By way of example, teach him to respect his elders. Don’t ever say disgraceful things about his teachers or any other elder in front of him, however tempted you may be. Kids tune in to all that transpires around them and give vent to their feelings when you least expect them to.

Today’s trend of being a friend to your child may seem a rewarding option, but in the long run we stand to lose respect and command that we initially seek by befriending them. They make enough friends at school and other places; what they really need is someone to guide them. It is good to be understanding and to be able to listen to their point of view but not to the extent of losing the authority of being able to tell them to refrain from doing any harm to themselves or to others. We should strive to build a healthy atmosphere where we can have open discussions about any problems that they may face. Try to reach a conclusion based on what is the right thing to do and not necessarily what you think should be done. It could be a compromise where both give in a little. But be very firm on not making any concessions regarding basic values, even if they protest. Give them the right to their own opinion but let them also be aware that it is your word that will finally prevail. Though kids can be quite rebellious at times, they like it when someone is there to refrain them from going the wrong way, even if they don’t say so. It is important to set limits and respect them. We must teach them the importance of healthy foods but at the same time realise that an occasional piece of pizza won’t harm them.

Inculcate in your children the habit of spending wisely. When they see that you do not go overboard on a shopping spree, they will learn to rein in their expenditure. Teach them to be money smart from a very young age. As soon as they begin to understand money, they should be given a small amount from which they must spend a part and save some. Let them decide what they want to buy and encourage them to save by adding a few extra bucks when their savings reach a fixed mark. Teach them how to pick the best bargains and avoid impulse buying by taking them with you when you go grocery shopping.

A good friend circle is indispensable in grooming the child’s personality. Encourage them to get their friends home and treat them to a special something. That way they will feel welcome and you will also get to know them better. Never nag your child in front of his friends as he may feel embarrassed and be tempted to answer back. Explain it to him if you do not approve of a particular friend, gently but firmly. Kids are not mature enough to understand that they could really harm themselves by getting into bad company. It is our responsibility to see that they have friends who are a positive influence.

Give the best that you can to your child and let them realise that everyone is different. What his friend has, he does not have to necessarily have and vice-versa. Make him learn to live within your means and do not turn him into a brat by giving him everything he lays a finger on. Pamper him with all your love but at the same time keep him humble by making him help you clean his room and let him keep his dishes in the washbasin.

He should realise that school is a very important part of his growing-up years and will form the basis of his adulthood. Help him settle down to finish his homework by providing space where he can feel free of any distractions. Take an active interest in his school activities and be aware of his tests and results. Go for his school meetings regularly because the teachers will also show more interest in your child when they see that you are actively involved in their school activities. Encourage him to excel in academics but give equal importance to extra-curricular activities. Strive to develop the child’s overall personality and confidence.

Make him aware of your expectations and motivate him to live up to them, but at the same time keep them reasonable. Do not set your standards so high that the child suffers from low self-esteem if he is unable to achieve the goals you set for him. After all not everyone can take the first rank in class. Find out what he is good at and show appreciation for that. Your job is not over just by spending ‘quality time’ with him. To be genuinely interested in your child, you must give him ‘quality and quantity time.’

But the most important thing to understand is that no two kids are the same. What works for one may backfire with the other. Raising kids is not easily achieved by way of calculation and prediction but through a lot of love and patience. It is easier to predict the weather than to predict kids. Even the most docile child can have a temper tantrum at your boss’s house. The trick is to fix it according to the child’s temperament and before it gets out of hand. Kids will, after all, be kids.