A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near-death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live,"
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and complete make-up. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God (again), she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years. Why didnít you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied, "Sorry about that, I just didnít recognise you!"
A group of golfers were telling tall stories about their game expertise. At last came a veteranís turn. "Well, he said, "I once drove a ball, accidentally of course, through a window of a cottage. The ball cracked the glass, knocked over an oil lamp and the place caught on fire."
"What did you do?" asked his friends.
"Oh," said the veteran nonchalantly, "I immediately teed off another ball, took a careful aim, and hit the fire alarm on Main Street. That immediately brought out the fire engine before any major damage was done."
Crime & cholesterol
"I have good news and bad news," a defence attorney told his worried client.
"First, letís hear the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with the samples found at the crime scene."
"Oh, no!" cried the client. "And whatís the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is only 140."
A woman walks into the optometry store to return a pair of eyeglasses she had purchased the week before.
"What seems to be the problem, maíam?" the optometrist inquired.
"Well, I bought these glasses for my husband last week and theyíre just not working," the woman complained.
"Perhaps the lab made an error in filling the prescription."
"Iím sure they must have," the woman confirmed. "My husband is still not seeing things my way."
On a ball
A wife was getting tired of her husband golfing every Saturday, so she decided to go with him to see what the attraction was. His first drive of the day went into the rough, second shot bounced into the lake. His third shot wasnít any better. It went back across the fairway into the rough again. After taking several more shots to finally reach the green, he turned to his wife and said, "And you thought I was having a good time."