Young mothers also need ‘me-time’

The other day I met a mother who had lost her son to a hit-and-run accident a few years ago. I used to know her in Chandigarh, when she was a vivacious young woman and a teacher in a well-known local school. I was appalled at what she had become now: haggard and care-worn, with no interest in her appearance and clothes and a shadow of her old self. As she narrated the events of that horrible accident, she broke down several times and even I found it difficult to hold back my tears. 

One careless and irresponsible driver who didn’t have the courage to face the consequences of that rash mistake has left a family permanently maimed. Yet, no matter how saddened I was to see her and how deeply moved by her traumatic experience, I wish she had handled it with courage instead of giving in to her grief. Even now, she would benefit from therapy and counselling but such are social norms of our country that people of a certain generation still hesitate to accept that they need psychiatric help to overcome a state of mental depression. 

This chance encounter reminded me of some close friends who have been through similar experiences, but most of them have moved on and made a complete turnaround in their lives. Among these friends are a schoolmate whose husband shot himself and left her a widow at 39 with two young children to bring up, two colleagues who walked out of unhappy marriages when they were still in their twenties, each with a babe in arms and no independent income. Both of them returned to complete their post-graduation, earned PhD degrees and became widely loved and respected university teachers. These three faced enormous challenges, living with aged parents, bringing up their children alone and ensuring they studied at the best schools they could afford. Today, they are proud mothers of very successful offspring. 

At a time when single mothers did not get any support except from loving parents (and often not even that), these feisty women fought their battles with courage and brought laughter and joy into every life they touched. All three are among my closest friends and we now laugh at the tribulations of those days whenever we meet. The four of us were young teachers at the university in the seventies and we met for a brunch every week at the university Coffee House to laugh and exchange news. One was unmarried, one a divorcee, the third separated from her husband and me — the only one who was happily married. They called me their token ‘suhagan’ and helped me handle my complex life (three boys under three, a job and perpetual penury) by baby-sitting, taking my classes when I wanted a swap to a later one and bringing such laughter as I have never experienced after that. 

Perhaps those were different times and perhaps we did not have many problems that young mothers face today. The enormity of peer pressure and the high aspirations of these young mothers often frighten me. They all want to be supermoms: successful career women, svelte and fashionable wives, protective mothers and exemplary housekeepers. All this must take a very heavy toll on the various relationships that they need to juggle to say nothing of the price they pay for ailments that most of them seem to suffer from: anxiety, panic attacks, insomnia and compulsive behaviour disorders. Eating disorders such as bulimia and allergies to certain foods — what are these but ways in which your body is flagging stress to you? If the young spent half as much time in calming themselves as they do in hyping their lives, it would do them a world of good. However, their lives are so perfectly programmed that any deviation from an expected and charted trajectory can devastate them with a ripple that disturbs the equilibrium of their family as well. 

Birthdays, anniversaries, weddings and even simple dinner parties are now serious ‘events’ for which mothers and fathers wear themselves out, physically and financially. Helping your child choose a good college was always a source of stress but now even nursery and pre-school admissions give sleepless nights to parents. What all this parental anxiety and aspiration does to the children is another story altogether. Most schools now offer counselling cells to relieve children of the care and stress that they cannot handle. If this is not progress gone crazy, what is?

We all need to take a deep breath and decide that we will no longer submit to the tyranny of such progress. We all need to look outside the selfish fishbowl existence that our times seem to create and seek those who need more help. If the privileged begin to feel under-privileged, who will care for the really marginalised? How much is enough? When was the last time we had a good belly laugh at ourselves? These are questions we need to ask ourselves so that we do not morph into zombies who crumble at the first negative result that life hands us. 

This Diwali may the light shine into your homes and hearts and may all cobwebs that prevent fresh air from entering dark corners be banished. Happy Diwali to all my readers!