Humility, why art thy so rare?

Abha Chaudhary

Society thrives on the glories of its successful people. Tales of men and women reaching the top of the ladder of social, economic or political success are passed down as legacies for the new generations to learn from. However, the stories that really do stay with us are those of success, valour, wisdom and humility.

Humility is one trait in any persona that makes people want to follow you – to want to meet you again. Humility has nothing to do with the insecure and the inadequate, just as arrogance has nothing to do with greatness. Whenever I lecture about etiquette, I talk about humility as one of the most important characteristics of a well-bred individual. The topic of humility as a characteristic often leads to a debate in the lecture hall because many people don’t understand the true nature of humility.

But first, what is humility?

The two questions I hear most often are, “Doesn’t humility look weak?” and “Does it mean I should hide my success?”

Of course, the answer to both those questions is “no.” Humility isn’t weak- it requires inner strength and confidence. And while you shouldn’t hide your success, it’s good to know when it’s appropriate to talk about it and when not. Nothing explained humility better than a book I read recently, by Dr Caroline Leaf. It has helped me articulate my response about the meaning of humility that is low self-preoccupation, not low self-esteem. She said that if you, your talents and your problems are all you think about, you become your idol. Idolising yourself is toxic to your health, and it’s a form of pride that won’t serve you well. I’ve fallen into that trap before: some people needed my help and attention, but I was so self-absorbed that I didn’t even notice.

It isn’t easy being humble

Humility requires strong character, and vigilance not to become self-occupied. Think of what you can do for others, rather than what they can do for you. Know your value, but also acknowledge the importance of others. It is the magnetic effect of your charisma –just the right blend of confidence, competence and humility. You could be efficient with your knowledge and skills, but are you effective with your people skills? Humility is the power of a calm and poised receptiveness - a quintessential of good etiquette, that always propagates consideration for others. Humility means indomitable assertiveness –“I do not mean to disrespect you, but I also mean to respect myself.” A person may know everything, yet listen to another with the intent, “tell me more -a quality that makes people you are with feel comfortable and psychologically safe. If someone reveres your success, does not feel intimidated by your presence then you are just the right blend of confidence and humility. Today, when contemporary Indian life is characterised with rudeness, arrogance often underlined with defensiveness to self correction, humility provides us with a path to positive relationships.

(Chaudhary is a Chandigarh-based  etiquette expert)