Minding your Ps & Qs

Abha Chaudhary 

Recently I conducted a seminar for a law firm. The room was filled with 50 participants, most of whom were young associates. As soon as I announced the title, a hush went over the room and then a soft sound emerged—the sound of 50 voices snickering in unison. Their response is always the same: “Etiquette is a bunch of rules”…“Etiquette is the stuff my mother used to make me do”…“Etiquette is the old-fashioned way of doing things.” Meanwhile, they’re thinking: “Who needs this stuff?” 

What I’ve learned after talking to countless men about etiquette is that they really do want information. They want it in a non-judgmental fashion. They want to hear the ideas and then make up their own mind about what advice they’ll adopt. And they need to understand why. 

Younger men are hungry for information that will help them to be more successful personally and professionally. They don’t want someone telling them what to do, but they do like having someone lay out the options, the possibilities, and then letting them cogitate on it and decide what’s best for them. 

Funny enough, that’s what etiquette, really is — understanding what to do and what to expect from others in return, so your focus is on building the relationship. Good manners help smooth the way for positive interactions between people by prescribing the ways in which we’re expected to act and react to people around us. When we use the manners that are expected of us, crowds don’t applaud us; life just goes on smoothly. 

The importance of manners becomes obvious only when we don’t use them. Use them, and you will make the best impression possible. The “E” of etiquette could very well mean “expression”. Expression of one’s values, upbringing and confidence through his appearance, body language and behaviour. Men get it right some of the time, but they don’t generally spend enough effort really thinking through how their actions will affect the people around them. By thinking about our behaviour, we turn each action into a conscious choice. The more we practice making those choices, the more often we’ll make good choices. 

The art of etiquette really comes down to being thoughtful of the people you encounter in your everyday life. We all tend to associate “proper behaviour” with formal social events—but true etiquette involves behaving with consideration and respect for others in everything that you do. So gentlemen, look in the mirror and see if you recognize any of these annoying habits in yourself—adjusting, nose picking, spitting, swearing, smoking and chewing tobacco or sloppy dressing. 

( Chaudhary is a Chandigarh-based image and style consultant)