Mourning no more

Nonika Singh

Celebration, the word itself, seems so much out of sync at a prayer meeting organised in remembrance of a dear departed one. Yet, when someone utters the words ‘We are here to celebrate the life of Mrs...’, the one liner sums up far more than the long-winding sermons that the pandits deliver and we listen to (and forget as quickly) at such sombre occasions.

Call life a beautiful lie and death a painful truth, the fact is that both are part of the same continuum. As philosopher Lao Tzu said, “Life and death are one thread, the same line viewed from different sides.” So, if you rejoice in life, how can death not be reason enough to reflect at a life well lived?

In 2003, when noted theatreperson Balwant Gargi died, his students — among them GS Chani — celebrated and not mourned his death. Chani felt that his centenarian father’s demise too called for a joyous celebration. And a few years ago, when veteran actor Anupam Kher lost his father, Kher celebrated his departure from the mortal world. Instead of letting gloom invade his house, he even asked friends and relatives to come dressed up in coloured clothes. His rationale: “My father stood for all things vibrant and colourful.” Since then he has gone to on to truly celebrate and not merely commemorate his father’s death anniversaries. Last year, he even organised a rock concert for the differently abled children to mark the occasion.

Today, even ordinary people are following suit. Paying respects to the dear and departed is no longer a melancholy affair. More and more people are turning prayer meetings into an occasion to truly remember the loved ones rather than shed tears alone. The ways to remember, too, are more than just a silent flow of tears.

A collage of photographs, a video film, lively recollections… there’s a lot that speaks of joyous moments and beauty of the life of the departed rather than grimness of death. While the prayer halls are done up in lovely floral wreaths, choicest of delicacies are served. Serving langar or a lunch is a ritual that has been long followed to pay obeisance to the dead. Today, best of caterers are roped in, with the favourite dishes of the departed soul often on the menu. Besides, the comfort of visitors is paid due deference. In places such as Mumbai, auditoriums are booked keeping in mind the convenience of friends and relatives who find time to pay respect. In Chandigarh, writer and professional motivator Rajesh Chaddha thought it only befitting to not only book an air-conditioned hall, but even hire valet services for his father’s chautha ceremony. For his own imminent and inevitable end, he has already issued clear instructions to his children: Celebrate. Don’t grieve.

Is it a new trend in the making? Chani, who defied convention two decades ago, feels, “It’s only a deviation.” However, a welcome one, for sure. Years ago, when he bucked the prevalent social mores, there were several who did not necessarily understand. He says, “As a rule, we Indians are highly melodramatic people and love the rona-dhona bit more than composure. Those who have little level of understanding would never fathom why death calls for a celebration. But those who came for the bash could only exclaim, ‘What a way to go’, and make a similar wistful wish for themselves.” He also feels that notions such as ‘crying alone is cathartic’ is an outdated concept. “I feel rejoicing liberates us and not only helps us accept death as a logical conclusion to life, but also challenges the starkness of death in its own way.”

Chaddha feels celebration helps us cope with grief, strengthens us and gives us courage to move on. Just like it turned a real celebration with Mallika Sarabhai and her pupils performing kathak for her deceased mother, dancer Mrinalini Sarabhai. Mallika posted on her Facebook page: “My mother has left for her eternal dance.” Could there have been a better tribute?