Taming the teens

Dr Samir Parikh

It is never really easy being a parent. There are no thumb rules, with most shooting in the dark.  The challenge never ends and parents are often plagued by self-doubt. You can just do your best by being there for your children, and in the end, take comfort in the thought that you may have just made it as a ‘good’ parent. That’s another thing that the children, of course, may never agree. 

But one thing to remember at all times is that children require constant support, especially through adolescence, which is identified as a period of storm and stress. 

A major factor contributing to such ‘stressful’ notion is that adolescence is a period of drastic changes in terms of growth and development. It is common to find parents who are apprehensive as their child begins to approach the teenage years, anticipating difficulties in parenting and disciplining the child. 

Teenagers and adolescents are in a phase of development, wherein they have an instinctive desire to explore their environment. As they want to get a taste of freedom, they often may begin to resist the authority of their parents, or other adults, around them, whom they would comply with earlier. Moreover, the peer group begins to play the most significant role during these years, as the teenager seeks the approval of his or her peers, often to the dismay of the parents. If not dealt with appropriately, the troubles of the teenage and adolescence could lead to scarring and irreparable damage to the parent-child relationship, not to forget the adverse impact on the teenager’s future and the well-being of the parents as well. 

Some tips should be kept in mind while dealing with teenagers

Connect well: As a parent to a teen, it is more important for you to be able to develop a connected relationship with the teenager, rather than having him or her disciplined and within your control. It is vital for the teenagers to be able to identify with their parents. This is the stage they can begin to form deep and long-lasting bonds with you, based on an understanding towards each other.

Be Supportive: It is common to find that teenagers are not willing to confide every little detail with their parents. However, rather than being punitive towards them for their deceptiveness, it is more important for letting the teenager know and feel the presence of your support, and to realise that you would be able to understand where he or she is coming from. The aim is to create an environment where the teenager or adolescent does not hesitate to communicate openly.

Use reinforcements: In order to manage the behavioural difficulties of teenagers, it could be useful to use the principle of reinforcement. Avoid giving punishments, and instead, use negative reinforcements by taking away a pleasurable reward. Make behavioural contracts and implement these consistently across time, people as well as situations.

Participative approach: This works best for teenagers and adolescents as involving them in the decision-making processes not only gives them a sense of acknowledgement and responsibility, but also makes them more committed towards implementing and fulfilling those decisions.

Be consistent: It is important not to overlook any inappropriate or undesirable behaviour of your teenager. Parents need to point out to him/her each time he/she violates the behavioural contract, and the teenager should be able to expect a known consequence (which has been decided through a participative process). At the same time, do not be overly harsh. Be firm and assertive, so the teenager learns and remembers your words without resenting them.

Show the way: Young minds are very easily imprinted by what they see or hear around them. There is no way that your teenager will learn to deal effectively with conflicts if he/she doesn’t see you doing the same. Whether it be with your spouse, elders, or staff, you need to model appropriate behavior, so that the teenager can learn from your example — for instance, choosing to be assertive instead of aggressive.

Reason out: Every instruction or restriction you give must be explained to the teenager. Do not expect them to simply obey your commands. Unless they understand the reason and intention underlying a rule, it would appear to be unreasonable and unjust, making it more difficult for them to respect and follow the rule. Therefore, always give the ‘why’ of what you say to them.

Give and take: Pick your battles, and remember that as a parent, it is important for you to be able to give in, at times. The teenagers need to learn that life doesn’t always function as per their own will, and that we all need to be ready to compromise some times. However, you need to be cautious to choose more inconsequential things to give in to, so that you can be firm to refuse more major decisions.

Don’t nag: In your efforts to persuade the teenager to agree with your point of view, remember that overdoing it can do more harm than good to the teenager as well as his/her relationship with you. Be there as a guide or facilitator, but also help the teenager to feel responsible towards him or herself.

Expect, accept: It’s ok if your teenager does not agree to your point of view. Do not expect your kids to always agree with you blindly. While disagreeing is not a reason for being penalised, it is equally important to show him/her the significance of a discussion or negotiation before reaching a mutual decision.