What singles are sick of hearing : The Tribune India

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What singles are sick of hearing

We know you mean well, coupled-up friends. You care about us, your single friends. We get it. You beat us in the traditional game of life. Congrats on meeting society''s expectations of getting married by the accepted "deadline".



We know you mean well, coupled-up friends. You care about us, your single friends. We get it. You beat us in the traditional game of life. Congrats on meeting society's expectations of getting married by the accepted "deadline".

And so, you say things you think might be helpful — but are actually hurtful — without asking what we might need or want. You dole out advice and diagnose what's "wrong with us" when we're just looking to vent. Remember, the game of life is long. Treat us well and we'll still be around if you get divorced and suddenly need our wisdom on how to be single. We have plenty of experience, after all. In the meantime, the next time you're about utter any of these phrases, take a breath, think about how it might land.

Are you still single?

The offensive word here is "still," as if singlehood is a condition your friends are stuck with and can't quite shake. How would you like it if we asked you: "Hey, are you still married?" Instead, you might try to be less judgmental. 

Let's hang out next week. My spouse is out of town.

It really gets under our skin when you state that you'll make us a priority only when your More Important Person is out of town. After all, we make plans with you without first checking whether our cooler friends might be free that night. And please, not another "ladies night."

We should hang out! My girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse has a friend in your area, so we should be out that way.

Translation: You don't like us enough to make an effort to see us. Seeing us is like an errand you might do on your way to more important things.

Sorry we didn't invite you to [fill-in-the-blank event]. Everyone else who's coming is in a relationship. We didn't want you to be uncomfortable.

You know what's uncomfortable? Finding out that all our friends were hanging out without us! Your single friends are worthy of invitations whether or not they have a plus-one. Let us decide whether we want to attend solo rather than making that decision for us.

You're so great. I just don't get it. 

Funny, neither do we! Some of us are single because we want to be. Or because it's our best option at the moment.

Have you tried [this hot new dating app]? My friend met her boy/girlfriend on it.

Of course we have. But thanks for rubbing in that it works for someone else and thus we must be doing something wrong. 

"You know what your problem is …"

Ah, how we love sentences that start this way! It could be: You're too picky; desperate; shy; aggressive; you have to put yourself out there; work too much; and more such judgmental phrases. We've already spent too much time wondering what might be wrong with us or what we might be doing wrong. Please resist the urge to diagnose why your friends are single. We probably didn't ask for your opinion, anyway.

You'll find love when you stop looking. 

This is like asking your single friends: Why are you trying so hard? Love will hit you on the head while picking out groceries at the store. The not-trying tack might work when you're in college and surrounded by young single people; but in your 30s and beyond, meeting people requires effort. 

You need to love yourself first. 

Yes, self-esteem is important. Everyone should love themselves, regardless of relationship status! But saying this to a single friend only telegraphs that you think we have low self-esteem. Guess what: Self-improvement, personal development and self-love happen over a lifetime - and ideally continue even after we get into a relationship.

I'm so jealous that you're single. You get to make all your own plans!

No, you're not. If you were, you would choose to be single, too. 

— The Independent

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