Bond it like women : The Tribune India

Join Whatsapp Channel

Bond it like women

Don’t be the girl who needs a man but be a girl whom a man needs. Sounds like a dream, ah…but does a man really need a girl? That is the eternal question, one that has defined, ailed, plagued, made and marred man-woman bond since time immemorial. Do men need the intimacy of relationships (not to be confused with sex) as desperately as women? Many women have spent sleepless nights mulling over this quixotic dilemma.

Bond it like women

Women are a product of their own biology. This makes them more emotional, conscious and conscientious of family ties istock



Nonika Singh 

Don’t be the girl who needs a man but be a girl whom a man needs.

Sounds like a dream, ah…but does a man really need a girl? That is the eternal question, one that has defined, ailed, plagued, made and marred man-woman bond since time immemorial. Do men need the intimacy of relationships (not to be confused with sex) as desperately as women? Many women have spent sleepless nights mulling over this quixotic dilemma. 

Out of all relationships, a man and woman tie is that complex matrix that can never ever be completely understood or decoded. The more theorists write about the man-woman equation, the more theories propound (and debunk) it, the more complicated the web becomes.  

A recent Oxford study once again reinstates the obvious. Men are more distant in relationships whereas women invest more in it. Hardly, a revelation some would say. In fact, women thrive on their relationship status and love to wear it up their sleeve is evident in just a cursory glance at their demeanours. Take a look at their DP pictures on the social media. Rare would be a woman whose display picture is not accompanied by her husband, her children or both. Micro or macro, the ultimate picture of her is invariably ‘incomplete without her family.

Dr Parmod Kumar, consultant psychiatrist and marriage counsellor, explains, “Women are not only more comfortable in revealing and upholding their relationship status but also find great comfort and security in it.”

Blame socialisation, biology or patriarchy, a woman rarely feels complete without her family, most importantly a man in her life. Corporate czarina Indra Nooyi’s confession as to how her mother greeted her with a sermon on who she is (read mother and wife) inside the house before she could break the news of her elevation as PepsiCo’s first female CEO, is by now an oft-repeated anecdote. And one that only serves to perpetuate that whatever else women may become relationships can never take a backseat or be put on the backburner. 

Rather more than one woman hails family as one big achievement and motherhood as the most glorious phase in their lives, invariably on par with their successful careers.

Hollywood actress Salma Hayek who is married to luxury mogul François-Henri Pinault, is quite boastful about it. “A good marriage, full of love, is my biggest accomplishment,” she claims. 

Closer home Bollywood actress Kareena Kapoor says, “I don’t want to conquer the world but I don’t mind having a little place of my own.” Needless to say this small place comprises her husband Saif Ali Khan and yet-to-be-born baby. Couple of years ago gorgeous Aishwarya Rai Bachchan had sounded quite sanctimonious about how she hadn’t left her daughter Aaradhya alone even for a single night.

East or west… it’s not homemakers alone, even accomplished women love to celebrate and be celebrated for their relationships. Feminists might have a problem with that but noted psychiatrist, theatre-person and actor Dr Mohan Agashe is not surprised. If you thought the 21st-century modern woman ought to be above the traditional way of looking at her self-worth, he asks, “Has there been any evolutionary change in man and woman? Biologically, men and women have remained the same; have not grown any different organs. Women still bear children and breast-feed them.” In short, women are a product of their own biology. This makes them more emotional, more conscious and conscientious of family ties and perhaps more vulnerable, too.

But greater affinity for relationships does not necessarily mean they get a short shrift. Sure, there will always be a brittle Pratyusha Banerjee and an emotionally overwrought Jiah Khan both of whom allegedly committed suicide over relationship issues. According to new research from Binghamton University, New York, women experience more emotional pain following a breakup. However, here is the rider — they also recover better vis a vis men who don’t recover but simply move on. 

Certainly, women gravitate towards relationships naturally while men learn or rather have to be taught step by step. Ssumier Pasricha aka the hilarious Pammi Aunty has got under the skin of women’s psyche like few women themselves have. He agrees that women are more vocal when it comes to expressing their sentiments. However, he contends that there is no need to view this reality through gender-coloured lens. Being respected for what you are and being taken care of romantically are not necessarily antithetical to each other. 

Women can live without men. But this does not imply that women should live without men. A firm believer in relationships for these help us grow as individuals, Pasricha fails to see the battle-lines between the two sexes when it comes to forging fulfilling bonds. As Stephen Marche states in his article Home Economics: The Link Between Work-Life Balance and Income Inequality, “Today, men and women are not facing off on a battleground so much as stuck together in a maze of contradictions.” 

Dr Agashe feels, “The problem arises because our education system lays too much emphasis on cognitive ability forcing us to shut down our sensory perceptions which we are born with to feel and experience.” Relationships are not a profit-and-loss balance sheet on which analytical theories can be applied, deductions made and man woman made to look and feel like each other’s conjoined twins. Instead what joins them is the meaning they bring to each other’s lives.  

Even if we concede that men and women are different there is no need to press the alarm bell. Rather experts deem that, it’s the differences that make the relationships more interesting. Men and women often follow cyclical patterns in how they approach each other. If women seek greater connect in the beginning the rules are reversed once the couple hits midlife. At this juncture, the man who has had enough of the rat race, wants to bond more. In short, both want a relationship and it to work as well, only what both seek are not always the same. Does that stop them from being on the same page?

Yes, if one goes by the Bollywood blockbuster Pyar Ka Punchnama and its sequel whose long-winding monologues became a Bible of sorts for Indian men. Can’t-live-with-women and can’t-live-without-women syndrome beleaguers them. 

But when relationship coach Jordan Gray lists out seven key things that a man wants and conversely what a woman is looking for, you know there is a difference in expectations. While a man desires a sexual connection women care to be sexually desired. Both needs, however, end up at the same place. Any wonder Dr Agashe says, “It doesn’t matter where you are coming from, are you ready to walk the common path — that is the question?” Yet another question… but then who knows all answers in the man-woman equation which is anything but linear. Raised to the power of complexity, love, admiration and respect that is the big leveller in this age-old relationship.


Men feel it too

Hollywood hunk Brad Pitt’s supposed sensitive comments concerning Angelina Jolie may not be true and might have emanated from a fake post. But a whole lot of celebs from Hugh Jackman to Tom Hanks to President Barack Obama have professed their love and gratitude towards their partners publicly. Here is reprising one of the many wonderful things the US President has said about the First Lady. “She is just my rock. I count on her in so many ways every single day.”


Love before self

Women placing greater premium on relationships is often perceived as anti-women. The more they value relationships less they are valued, opening themselves to hurt and abuse …goes the popular sentiment. But Dr Parmod Kumar, consultant psychiatrist and marriage counsellor, is not sure whether this is a fair assumption. Rather like so many other things as relationships too are becoming disposable, he feels, and that both men and women have to work towards an ideal. Communication, joint decisions, empathy, mutual interests can be some cementing factors. Dr Mohan Agashe says by its very definition relationship means thinking of the other before one’s own self. 

Top News

High alert across Uttar Pradesh after gangster-turned-politician Mukhtar Ansari's death

High alert across Uttar Pradesh after gangster-turned-politician Mukhtar Ansari's death

Umar Ansari alleged that his father was subjected to slow po...

Mukhtar Ansari was subjected to slow poisoning in jail: Son

Mukhtar Ansari was subjected to slow poisoning in jail: Son

Mukhtar Ansari was brought to the Rani Durgavati Medical Col...

10 killed as SUV falls into gorge in J-K’s Ramban

10 killed as SUV falls into gorge in J-K’s Ramban

The vehicle was on its way from Srinagar to Jammu

Mohali police arrest 3 members of Chaura Madhre gang

Mohali police arrest 3 members of Chaura Madhre gang

They are Lovejit Khakh, Gursewak Bamb and Bahadur Khan


Cities

View All