Honey! I married myself

Geetu Vaid

When Kendrick Lamar sang “I love myself” there was very little to suggest that this ‘love affair would actually become serious enough to make one waltz down the aisle in one’s own company to take wedding vows with oneself — to literally marry oneself. Here’s sologamy or solygamy for you — especially for those scared of stepping into the institution of marriage holding someone else’s hand. This latest addition to the lexicon of matrimony, after the ignominious polygamy, monotonous monogamy and maverick same-sex marriages, is the most individualistic besides being the one that reflects the changing paradigms of relationships in the 21st century. 

Call it utterly narcissistic or a desperate attempt to dress up drab spinsterhood in the haute couture of matrimony, there is no denying the fact that sologamy has been attracting global attention and over the past few years its followership has increased in several countries, including USA, UK, Japan and some European nations. While Sophie Tanner (38), a PR consultant, celebrated the second anniversary of her blissful marriage to herself last month, others like writer Sara Sharpe, Nadine Schweigert, Jennifer Hoes, Yasmin Eleby, too, have walked down the aisle with themselves for a ‘happily ever after’ breaking the spinster stereotype.

With enterprising websites like imarriedme.com by a Los Angeles-based couple, MarryYourself Vancouver and Cerea Travels in Japan offering marriage kits and travel options, sologamy is in business, literally. 

However, looking beyond the bright bridesmaids and friends dressed as cardinals conducting the ceremonies or indulgent fathers giving away their daughters and the din of after-marriage parties, one can sense a reaction to the insecurity and impatience that is paralysing intimate relationships the world over. This is something from which no culture is going to stay immune for long. Thus, the attempts to brush sologamy aside as an interesting trend that is far removed from our Indian mores will not do. 

However ‘Indian’ one may be, it is difficult to deny that the increasing instances of infidelity and divorces all around us have made marriage appear like a house of cards perched precariously on the seismic zone of relationships. “I am not against marriage per se but when I look at the experiences of my friends and some relatives, I get apprehensive about making a commitment for life to someone. And the fact that whether it will be a love marriage or an arranged one doesn’t make much of a difference”, says 23-year-old software engineer Nikita Chibber. 

Even if one sets gamophobia aside, the Gen Z also seems to have less faith in the institution of marriage on the whole with so many marriages breaking up and extra-marital affairs becoming a routine in cities, big or small. Nishant Panicker, who comes from a broken home, says, “Marriage holds no charm for me as I know people change with time and what is one supposed to do on realising that one is stuck with a stranger just because of a two-hour ceremony.” 

In times when commitment and loyalty are easily sacrificed in the quest to satiate the hunger for “the bigger, better and more”, adultery no longer raises eyebrows. A stark example of this lies in the whopping 1,21,500 people in India subscribing for Gleeden, a premium dating website/application meant exclusivley for married people. The American website that is run exclusively by women has over 3.5 million subscribers worldover. It is not without reason that the company is eyeing India’s $130 million online dating market hungrily.

When marriages that are made in heaven and served on earth turn sticky and unpalatable leaving a bad taste in many cases, the concept of self-marriage doesn’t seem that unattractive to both of our young respondents. 

As the sun of disenchantment shines brightly, marriage has, to some extent, ceased to be a social compulsion in our country as it was a few decades ago. A person not marrying these days is not seen as an oddity in society and several people prefer to stay single. But is sologamy the answer to ills and troubles that marriage may lead to? 

“Certainly not”, says psychiatrist, Dr Sachin Kaushik. “By definition marriage means union with someone else, and anyone denying this basic human need is following an unhealthy practice”, he adds. 

Sologamy is more of a defence mechanism. A person taking this route subconsciously wants to get married and be in a committed relationship. “Such people are, in fact, in conflict with themselves. They are insecure and feel a need to over-justify themselves. The main aim here is to celebrate one’s individuality and happiness. Then why not say that I am single and having a good time? What is the need to organise a solo marriage ceremony just to conform to the norms of society?”, argues Mumbai-based psychotherapist Sonal Ahuja. “One can still understand this if one does it to celebrate one’s status to get ‘even’ with married friends and peers like Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and The City. But to actually getting down to living this is a sad coping mechanism,” she adds. 

Commenting on the fact that sologamy is primarily being practised by women so far, as there has been no reported case of a man marrying himself, Sonal adds, “This simply proves how women are more vulnerable and need to fit in a social system where not being married means not being ‘lovable’ enough”. 

“Despite the proclamations of committing to one’s happiness and celebrating one’s choices in life marrying oneself is an indication of insecurity, depression, anxiety, and need for social acceptance, besides the temptation to hog the limelight”, adds Dr Kaushik.

“Why not declare your happiness as a single person. Let your happiness and contentment with your single status give an answer to society or to those who look at you as someone unable to sustain love and relationships?”, says Pragati Chawla, a 38-year-old PR professional, who is ‘happily single’. 

A healthier approach would be to form singles clubs or network that can offer support in any crisis. “Everyone needs a meaning in life and one is cheating oneself of that meaning by going in for things like self-marriage. This way you are creating more conflict for yourself by being in the denial mode. Involve yourself in something creative, an NGO, charity or any other such activity rather than obsessing about marriage”, says Dr Kaushik.

While one can chuckle and scoff at the eccentricity of the whole concept, it is a grim reflection of the fault lines in the landscape of matrimony that hint at a tectonic shift. Even though one may try to sweep it under the carpet of decency and socially approved system, the fact is that relationships are fast losing their traditional contours and our society is not ready to accept the change yet. 

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Trouble in paradise

Dr Sachin Kaushik, a psychiatrist working with Max Hospital in Mohali and a practising counselor, who gets a large number of marital discord cases in his clinic, says that the surprising factor is that most of these couples have differences within the first few months or a year of their marriage. 

• A significant shift in the age at which youngsters are getting married these days is among major factors leading to marital problems.  “With early 30s becoming the marriage threshold for most people, adjustment becomes a major issue, as by this age one is not only set in his or her profession/career but is also set in his habits and ideas. The tendency to be flexible and to adjust decreases drastically, as both partners are independent, thinking, mature individuals not ready to accept any form of change in their behaviour for the sake of nurturing a relationship”, he adds. 
• Secondly, the trend of joint families is disintegrating now. In nuclear families children are raised to be more individualistic and independent with little or no concern for the feelings of others. As long as the family accepts their decisions, everything is hunky dory but the minute there is any resistance they are ready to move on their independent path. The threshold of adjustment is very low. No one is ready to compromise.
• Another factor that has made marriages brittle is delay in accepting parenthood. “Childbirth is delayed as long as possible by couples as they don't want to be tied down by added responsibilities early on in life. This lack of a bonding between them which comes through a child leads to further distancing among the couples", he avers. 
• Peer-group pressure triggered by the social media also can't be ignored. These days it is a trend to post pictures of outings, vacations and other social binging by couples. All this makes others in the group feel dissatisfied with their lives as they are not attending glamour parties or visiting attractive locales or owning swanky automobiles. They feel that they are missing out on life while their compatriots are having a blast and this leads to more acrimony.