Silence on ‘the birds and the bees’

Shonali Prakash

Aseven-year-old is curious about sex and sexuality. How should a father react? Ignore the query or try and answer the kid? Sex Chat with Pappu and Papa, a five-part web series, attempts to demystify sex and themes around sex, including masturbation, pregnancy, condoms, periods and homosexuality. And the highlight of the series is the father facing the questions, initially with awkwardness, but eventually answering in a fun way with simple anecdotes.

You would have probably heard about the series, but when it is a teenager telling you that she recently saw this on YouTube, you realise that adolescents know more about sex and sexuality than grown-ups think they do.

Talking about sex with a growing up, inquisitive child has never been easy for the average Indian adult. Never mind if we are world number 2 in population, famous for Khajuraho’s erotica and home to a thriving illegal porn industry.

But our youth is aware. They do understand the gravity of the situation and insist on the need for adults to be open about sex. They say want them to be their guides so as to avoid making mistakes.

“It’s the need of the hour,” says a Class IX student. “We need more sexual awareness and need to know about the changes that come with adolescence. While everybody goes through this stage, some children are not even able to talk about it. What is more annoying is the fact that sometimes even parents don’t counsel their children about the changes that bodies and minds undergo. They feel we will learn on our own. How? No one knows.”

Having attended a lecture on the female reproductive system only for girls in Class VIII, she feels that sex education should be taught as a regular subject in a class where girls and boys sit together. “I feel that though it will feel weird initially, both need to be comfortable with the knowledge.”

Out of syllabus

While the ICSE board does not include sex education in its syllabus, the CBSE does. However, even as formal education plays an important role, it doesn’t quite completely deal with the emotional turmoil that a teenager has to deal with. 

“Sex education doesn’t just comprise knowledge of your body or that of the opposite sex,” says Kiran Sangeeta Murali, a counsellor with Yadavindra Public School, Patiala. “It’s more than that. It’s about sexuality and sexual orientation. It’s about how you feel attracted to someone. It’s about how to manage emotions and attraction.”

The impressionable adolescent needs gentle guidance at every point of his/her journey — be it handling feelings of attraction or understanding biological aspects such as menstruation, maturation, conception and birth control. They seek it from us, but our reactions fail them. As soon as an advertisement for a condom or sanitary napkin airs, we begin switching TV channels or send the child to fetch a glass of water!

Adding to the burden is being judged for raising doubts. Statements like ‘Why are you focusing on such things?’ and ‘You are too young to know about all this’ discourage adolescents from taking up their issues.

However, what elders don’t realise is that nothing has missed the eyes of the ‘little adults’ who then go on to discuss it with their friends.

“India is very moralistic when it comes to talking about sex,” says this student of Class XII. “We are scared about being judged. We fear retribution. That’s what stops us from talking to them on such issues. Our elders want to know everything about us, but don’t want to share anything with us.”

While open-minded adults, including educationists, who care to educate the younger generation about sexuality are still a minority, the equation is slowly changing.

On the talking table

A young girl got her periods when she was 11. She asked her mother several questions. “Why does a girl get periods? Why do these happen only to women? Can I get rid of them? Why do they occur every month?”

Terribly uncomfortable, the mother avoided answering her questions, for, words like ‘sanitary pads’ and ‘condoms’ were considered a taboo in the family (yes, even in 2016). This is when the little girl’s aunt realised the dire need to spread awareness regarding sex education. Madhavi Jadhav, a petroleum engineer by profession, founded ThatMate, an online platform working towards spreading awareness about sexuality and related issues.

“Not youngsters, it’s the adults who are more reluctant to discuss and answer the queries of the growing adolescents when their bodies undergo the biggest overhaul,” says Dr Parneet Kaur, counsellor at Punjab Public School (PPS), Nabha. “Lack of awareness about one’s body fails to develop an understanding for the self. Both, incomplete and little knowledge is dangerous as it is bound to create misconceptions.”

The World Health Organisation (WHO) has defined adolescence as the period of preparation for adulthood, primarily comprising physical, social and sexual maturation.

‘The birds and the bees’ talk — the first talk that elders have with their children about sexual relationships — is just a small but crucial start for the journey ahead.