Rahul Gandhi vs Rani Padmavati: Who is real?

Saba Naqvi

I have to confess my mind is in a tizzy between what's fact and what is fiction because in our great land it seems both are interchangeable. My first question is this: between Rani Padmavati and Rahul Gandhi, who is real and who is fictional? I am told with some authority by my brave and trustworthy friends in the Karni Sena and some valiant members of the BJP that Rani Padmavati is for real and is, therefore, a symbol of Rajput pride (and such symbols, most importantly, never dance). 

Never mind that the Rani actually appears as a character in the epic poem Padmavat written in 1540 by Sufi poet Malik Mohammad Jaisi in Awadhi. Imagine that, a character created by a Muslim poet is now a symbol of honour for some Rajputs! I do, however, wonder why this lot never got offended by the constant depiction of the evil “Thakur” in Hindi cinema who twirled his moustache and surrounded by henchmen often kidnapped the heroine? Maybe because no one gave them the time of day back in the old days. Now, of course we live in more enlightened times where every donkey has his day in the TV limelight and thereby his honour to protect. 

There is an even more serious question I need to ask: Is Rahul Gandhi a Hindu, Christian or Martian? (God forbid he turns out to be a Muslim.) Let me admit that till Rahul began to quote Gabbar Singh jokes and visit temples in Gujarat, I partly believed he was a mythical character in the Congress; here today, gone tomorrow. But now that he's turned out to be for real, I, like many good nation-loving fellow Indians, am troubled to discover that he may be a Catholic. It would not be good for national pride in the future if an Indian leader kissed the ring of the Pope (although dare I say that an Indian PM hugging world leaders who look rather reserved only elevates our status as a nation of warm and loving people). 

I began to take the matter of Rahul's religion seriously after I switched on my TV and found an honourable member of the BJP (who is rumoured to have wed outside the Hindu community and whose offspring has apparently done likewise) reveal to the nation that there is a church inside the premises of 10 Janpath. One can only imagine how much praying, proselytising and conversion goes on and I am so glad that the BJP has brought this pressing matter before the people. Along with some famous anchors, they have demanded to know if Rahul is a Catholic or a Hindu. 

Imagine that: we a nation of proud Hindus (never mind those on the lower end of the caste scale who are treated like dirt) have been duped by Catholics into believing they were Hindus. Shame on us. I understand that the future of the Gujarat elections hinges on this and a few other important questions and I am grateful to the BJP for bringing them to public attention. These include: Can Hardik Patel have sex, can a Muslim man marry a Hindu woman, is Rahul a Catholic and did Jawaharlal Nehru oppose the construction of the Somnath Temple? 

For every GST the BJP produces a Padmavati, so hats off to it. For every Hardik, a CD awaits so the election quite sizzles. Equally fascinating is the manner in which late Congress man Sardar Patel continues to be valourised by the BJP, as if he was a member of the party and not the individual who banned the RSS. Then there is always Ahmed Patel, political secretary to Sonia Gandhi, who was born in Bharuch in Gujarat, educated in a South Gujarat University and there was an age when he was not seen as a Muslim first but known as Babubhai Patel and he did win three Lok Sabha elections from Bharuch. But in time, his Muslim identity was uncovered and he now enters Parliament through the Rajya Sabha route as the nation discovered earlier this year. 

Rahul's Catholic identity is harder to prove as he is the great grandson of Jawaharlal Nehru who was from a Kashmiri Pandit family of Allahabad (although we have it on good authority from high-level RSS intellectuals that he was a Muslim-loving atheist and communist). The Brahmin bloodline, however, gets diluted when Rahul's grandmother Indira married a Parsi, Feroz Gandhi. Amazing why no one asked Rajiv Gandhi if he was a Parsi? To add to the chaos, Sonia is definitely born a Catholic and it's possible she has been quietly subverting this Brahmin household from within. The Nehru-Gandhis should have understood that national interest is best served by checking caste, community and gotra before any coupling. So is Rahul a Hindu will continue to be asked. 

Does it matter? Should it matter? Do pigs have wings? Frankly, I would be delighted if he turned out to be a member of some secret cult as opposed to all organised religion but then I don't count.