Net picking

What day?

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don’t know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped two pound box of her favourite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn’t wait for her husband to come home.

"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I’ve never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"

Teacher revenge

When asked about her vocation, a lady charged with a traffic violation said that she was a teacher. The judge stood from his seat and said: "Madam, I have waited years for a teacher to appear before this court. Now, sit down at that table and write ‘I will not pass a red light’ five hundred times."

Three guys

Three guys are out having relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish.

Now one of the guys just doesn’t believe it, and says, "Okay, if you can really grant wishes, then double my IQ."

The mermaid says, "Done."

Suddenly the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analysing it with extreme insight.

The second guy is so amazed, he says to the mermaid, "Triple my IQ."

The mermaid says, "Done."

The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists in various fields: physics, chemistry, etc.

The last guy is so enthralled with the changes that his friends that he says to the mermaid, "Quintuple my IQ."

The mermaid looks at him and says, "You know, I don’t usually try to change people’s minds when they make a wish, but I really wish that you would reconsider."

The guy says, "No, I want you to increase my IQ times five, and if you don’t do it, I won’t set you free."

"Please," says the mermaid, "You don’t understand what you’re asking, it will change your entire view on the universe. Won’t you ask for something else...? A million dollars, anything?"

But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his IQ increased by five times its usual power. So the mermaid sighed and said: "Done."

And he became a woman.

My dog!

This important woman went to Israel. When she got off the plane, she said, "Where’s my dog? Where’s the case?" The EL-AL people finally find the case in the baggage room. They open it up—and the dog is dead..

They’re all upset—they know the woman will kill them. They go and get the manager, and they tell him the dog is dead and the woman is carrying on waiting for her dog. She’s shrieking, she’s complaining, she wants to sue us..

The manager says, "Look, it’s a cocker spaniel. Next door there’s a pet shop. Go buy a cocker spaniel the same colour and size. She’ll never know the difference."

They run and buy a cocker spaniel and put it in the case. They yell: "Lady! Lady! We found your dog."

She says, "It’s about time!"

She looks in the carrier and says, "That’s not my dog!"

The manager says, "How do you know that’s not your dog?"

She says, "My dog is dead. I was taking it to Israel to bury it."

(These jokes have been culled from various sites on the Internet by Roopinder Singh.)