Shying away from shyness
This ‘n’ that
By Renee Ranchan

SHYNESS is out of vogue, noted my friend soberly. I know, a personality trait cannot be in or out of fashion but my friend did not mean it the way it sounds. What she was trying to say was that in this day and age where confident (make that over-confident) and glib talk bordering on bravado seems to be the hallmark of urban life, there is no room for shyness. Yes, the lady did make sense — does not everybody seem to be brimming over with confidence? But despite this glut of overconfident people, there still exists the inhibited, ill-at-ease, shy person.

A psychology journal I stumbled upon while cleaning my cupboards furnished the detail that one out of every three persons was shy. It also said something about shyness being a social disease. In a social situation, you can spot the shy person a mile away. No, you do not have to make a frantic hunt, the tell-tale signs of shyness are more than visible.

The shy person can be spotted on the sidelines of the dance floor, tapping his foot silently yet rhythmically to the music, and encouraging, cajoling and pushing others to dance. (Paradoxical, is it not?) The same person can also be spotted at a get-together with his face buried deep into a magazine, presenting a picture of total absorption. Of course, in all likelihood, he is not reading or registering a word. The exercise saves him from having to mingle, make small-talk and answer queries about himself, his career, his life... The rest of the party-goers thus, invariably mistake the person’s projected self-involvement for arrogance... They, therefore, make no attempt to draw him into the circle. Now Mr Shy cringes within, feels more isolated and unsure of himself than when he had arrived at the party. Many shy people confess that they are ‘excessively self-conscious’. No, I am not making my own formulations... the article in the journal said so. Shy people have a negative image of themselves and are genuinely convinced that people are either making fun of them or do not have the desire to meet and know them. However, all shyness is not that clear. It is possible to be, as they say, shy-on-the-sly. We will come to that a little later on... For now let’s take a couple of regular, visible cases.

1. Dheeraj loves his wife but does not know if the ‘marriage will work’. The pony-tailed, stud-in-left-ear ad-man tells you his career involves a lot of socialising, interacting, networking. People in advertising do not have evenings off or weekends to themselves, he explains. ( Yes, I could understand that... quite the same with journalists). And so it was a career-compulsion to party. Chayya, his wife, otherwise an intelligent, well-read person, becomes tongue-tied in a social situation. Her conversation is limited to monosyllabic answers which sound more like constricted grunts. And all the while her hands are clammy with sweat, her general behaviour is marked by nervous ticks such as repetitively locking and unlocking of her hands, fidgeting with her necklace, pulling her ear-lobes. And when it is time to leave, the relief on her face is so evident that it is more than embarrassing.

2. Vimal too is another distressed husband. He is verbal, outgoing. His wife, Poonam, on the other hand, prefers her own company. The gentleman, tells you that arranged marriages should be banned unless you get to know each other before you tie the knot. Reason? At least you will have some idea about the mental, emotional make-up of your would-be partner and have a chance to back out before it is too late... Vimal does not stop here ... The theory that ‘opposites attract’ is all wrong, he announced. And shyness, is it another word for being anti-social?

3. But before you run away with the idea that shyness is a woman thing let’s take Rohan’s case. Rohan does not even attend family weddings ... he made a brief, breezy entry at his brother’s marriage in March. Gulped down a cold drink, exchanged tight smiles with a few people and was gone. (His parents still cannot forgive him!) Is he pathologically shy? No, he assures you. At the work place, he functions normally, even successfully. His interaction with his associates may be limited but that does not bother him. He is there to get work done, not to relate with people. And back-slapping boisterousness is not meant for the work place anyway, is it? It is only at parties, especially large ones, that he is seized by shyness attacks...

But now to move on to the not-so-clear variety of shyness. Shy-on-the-sly, means being able to get away with being shy and never letting on. They are the kind of the people whose shyness is not physically discernible — no sweaty brows, trembling hands or shaky voice. They are privately shy and do fairly well socially — yes, this I quote from Part II of the article. And did you know that a number of researchers and clinicians in the USA have been scrutinising shyness? I thought that was rather interesting.

According to their findings:

a. Most shyness is hidden

b. Some people are born with a temperamental tilt to shyness. (Much depends on parenting, however.)

c. Much shyness is acquired through life experiences

d. The incidence of shyness varies among countries. A major contributing factor: cultural style of assigning praise and blame to kids.

e. And finally, there is a neurobiology of shyness.

However, we had better get back on the track. Given, you see more confidence, actually an overflush of it around nowadays. Youngsters with body language oozing coolness, composure, are a regular sight. And so naturally you would think they cannot possess a shy streak but did you know that shyness is a 20th century malady? The affliction, was more prominent in the last decade.

Today’s city-bred children no longer go out to play spontaneous, planned-on-the-spur-of-the-moment games with their counterparts. Games are now highly organised — comprising tennis lessons, swimming, cricket with preset teams.... And since obesity (not puppy fat, mind you!) in kids is on the rise courtesy the ubiquitous, constantly-on television, regimented, regulated exercise routines have to be taken up. You know how TV turns you into a couch potato and couch potatoes suffer from the snack-munching syndrome. So to shed off those many extra kilos, there are aerobic classes. Yes, aerobic classes have marginalised simple forms of exercising such as running, skipping, playing hop-scotch. A lot of urban kids attend ‘weight-shed’ classes. Playing for the sake of playing is out. They wield a bat or racket to be sports savvy. Interaction and camaraderie do not figure into the game.

So in this path of isolation, shyness (though well hid and camouflaged under that unabashed expression and assured inflection), comes as no real surprise.

Now on to adults. With this time scarcity (and you thought there was only water scarcity!), you visit your friends more and more via the telephone. Of course phone conversations are great, convenient actually, but what happened to face-to-face meetings? No, I mean the ones beside the monthly kitty or club ones... And in the metros you can even shop via the phone. Pick up the phone and have your groceries delivered home. Want to dine out without having to actually dress up, dial waiters-on-wheels and have gourmet food of any cuisine delivered at your doorstep. And no, you do not have to trudge down and ask the booking clerk to send you a gas cylinder... a simple phone call does the job. The scenario is pretty clear, what do you say? So in the process if one fine day you get up and realise you are people-shy, no reason for you to be startled. What with the 24-hour money machine at the bank replacing the human teller. The one you had to talk with. It is the age of fax machines (though I am told they are passe) e-mail, Internet, teleconferencing... technology directed at making life easier, more efficient. There is, however, one major fall-out to these communication tools. Shyness — painful, at times even pathological — has made its concurrent arrival. And thus it has become hard for many of us to communicate, to relate...

Shyness, yes, it may be theoretically out of vogue. But tell me, can we really shy away from it?