Netpicking

Luggage

A STUDENT was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York. And as she gave the agent her luggage, she made the remark, "I’d like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London."

The confused agent said, "I’m sorry, we can’t do that."

"Really? I am so relieved to hear you say that because, that’s exactly what you did to my luggage last year!"

Hot day

It was a really hot day at the office. There were about 20 people in close quarters and everyone was sweating, even with a fan on. All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle their noses at an odour passing through the air.

It was the most hideous smell anyone had ever smelt.

One man said, "Uh oh, someone’s deodorant isn’t working."

A man in the corner replied: "It can’t be me. I’m not wearing any."

Guard

The new Army recruit was given guard duty at 2 a.m. He did his best for awhile, but about 4 a.m. he went to sleep. He awakened to find the officer of the day standing before him.

Remembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this smart young man kept his head bowed for another moment, the looked upward and reverently said, "A-a-a-men!"

Guest speaker

Seated next to a blowhard at a United Nations dinner was an Oriental fellow dressed in the robes of one of the Far Eastern countries.

The blowhard, attempting to make conversation, leaned over and said: "You like soupee?"

The Chinese fellow nodded his head.

"You like steakee?"

The Oriental nodded again.

As it turned out, the guest speaker at the dinner was our Oriental friend who got up and delivered a beautiful 50-minute address on the United Nations’ definition of "encouragement to self-reliance" by underdeveloped countries of the world. The speech was flawless in Oxford English.

He returned to his place at the head of the table, sat down, and turned to his dinner partner and said, "You like speechee?"

Needed: $100

A little boy needed $100 very badly and his mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing turned up. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, they opened it up and decided to send it to the President.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a check for $5. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank you letter to God, which read as follows:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending me the money. I noticed that you had to send it through Washington. As usual, those people deducted 95 per cent.

Process of elimination

It was decided by Microsoft during a brilliant brainstorming session that military service would improve the skills and discipline of their finest technician. So off to boot camp he went.

At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. "Hmmm.," he thought, "I’ll get to the bottom of this in no time."

He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He pointed his still loaded rifle at the ground in front of him and fired. A cloud of dust kicked up, and a little dimple was left there in the dust.

"Yep, it’s working," he concluded.

The technician yelled out to the others at the target end, "The rifle is in working order, and the bullet seems to be leaving this end just fine. The trouble must be at your end!"

(These jokes have been culled from various sites on the Internet by Roopinder Singh)