When grown-ups act infantile
This 'n' that
By Renee Ranchan

LET us take off by citing a few quick cases (eventually you shall know where we are headed, so please hang on).

Case 1: Dr X is a well-known surgeon with a booming practice. He has more than a dozen doctors working for him. Every year he travels out of the country half-a-dozen times not to holiday but to attend or chair one medical conference or the other. His colleagues are in awe of him to the point that many are tongue-tied in his presence. The doctor’s personality structure? A composed, always-in-control person. Until, that is, his 70-something mother beckons. The good doc finds himself answering her queries in a stammery, quivering voice. The mother talks to him in an admonishing voice and the son reverts to being the nervous child he was some 30 years ago. Within no time this cool, composed surgeon is giving infantile explanations in a matching tone.

Case 2: Eena loves cooking to the point where throwing an impromptu party for 20-odd people is, as they say,"kid-stuff". This passion for cooking was passed on by her mother, who herself is a culinary wizard. Some years ago this middle-aged woman set up a small tiffin business from her home for office-goers, providing them with a clean, home-cooked meal. A way of combining vacation with vocation. And this entrepreneurial enterprise did wonders for her self-esteem. Her husband and kids were more than impressed and the money she earned naturally came in handy. Does it not always? However, whenever Eena visits her mother — which she does reluctantly — the cooking scenario is not all that, how would one put it, delicious. Her mother insists her daughter do the cooking, announcing that she too needs respite from the kitchen. Yes, that is understandable. But how is it that Eena’s skills suddenly go kaput? The reason? As soon as the daughter enters the kitchen, the mother takes it on herself to play supervisor and throws her those I-will-slap-your-wrists look if those onions are not fried "just right". Eena wants to tear her hair out, tell the senior lady to let her cook the way she knows, but the mother-knows-best indoctrination makes her keep mum.

Case 3: Then there is Dolly. After a prolonged tiff with her husband, she was convinced that her marriage had collapsed. So what did she do? She packs her bags, goes running back to Papaji. With child in tow. And the parents instead of helping put the marriage back on track, did the exact opposite. Vijay, her husband, was a good-for-nothing bloke and they had known all along that the marriage would not work but they were one never to say no to bitiya, and so let her go ahead and marry that ‘useless man’. This said in near unison by both parents. The parents’ motivation? You really cannot say except speculate. Perhaps, it was because Dolly was their only child and, perhaps again, they were going through a severe "empty-nest" syndrome and so were happy to have their bitiya back with them. They, told Dolly they had enough to provide for her and her child. Dolly, naturally, was overwhelmed with Mum and Dads’ affectionate support. Later, when she realised how she had been unfair to Vijay and that, yes, she was in the wrong, she decided to go back ‘home’ and take her marriage ‘seriously’ and not stomp out over some tension. Her parents, however, would hear of no departure. No, she could not go, she was authoritatively informed. What would it take for her to understand that she was married to a brute? And if she walked out of her parental home, there was no way her "supportive parents" would take her back in when, one day Vijay was sure to end the marriage. Parents did know best. Was not that the universal belief? And suppose what they said was true, how in the world would she cope all alone if Vijay threw her out upon her return? Yes, these were Dolly’s paralysing fears. These paralysed her to the point that the lady still, so many years later, resides with her parents.

Case 4: Harsh makes it a point not to attend family functions such as weddings, Divali, Holi bashes. No, he is not anti-family (he always pitches in if there is any family crises). Nor is Harsh party-phobic (he and his wife entertain frequently and are entertained by friends). It is just that family get-togethers are a no-no. Such gatherings make him squirm. Why? For whatever reason, his father or uncles (the aunts join in occasionally) have this compulsion, call it habit, of regaling each other by narrating bygone anecdotes. To the tune of how Harsh held on to his feeding bottle till he was 5 plus, how he would stammer till he was well out of college and even now, if you listened attentively, the remnants of that stutter were still there. And of how he feared sleeping in the dark till very recently. Of how he had taken ‘centuries’ deciding on a career till he finally decided to become the engineer his father had all along told him to become. Such gatherings, therefore being a deflating, embarrassing experience.

Okay, no more case studies. The theme as I know you have guessed is how parents can tyrannise, without usually even knowing that is the case.... And no, they do not do so because they are on some power trip. And they consciously even subconsciously are unware that they are treating you like an infants. And again it is true that most parents cannot see that widely spreading girth and receding hairline (clear indicators of middle-age) and so treat you like the sonny-boy you definitely are no more.

And then a mother/father are always for mothering, fathering — that is how they are made, how they identify themselves as, is that not so? Life, of course, in this childlike role is not a piece of cake. Sure enough, shades of ourselves are seen in the above stated cases. So what do you say to some self-salvaging? So to catalogue the remedies.

Number one, the adult-child has to take his life in his hands. You just cannot hope and pray that one fine day adulthood status will be conferred on you. This despite the elaborate 18th birthday party thrown for you, to toast you into adulthood. Or getting you married off in a grand style with instructions that from henceforth you are your own man. Or for that matter conferring a crown on you . Prince Charles can, I am sure, vouch for that. Yes, you have to snatch your adulthood. Because somewhere down there, your being an adult signifies the loss of their youth. And running away from home — literally or metaphorically is no remedy. It only reinforces your childhood status. No, you do not have to flee to be free. Believe it or not, you can live, comfortably so, in the precincts of your parental home and be free. It is all about facing the music and then dancing to your own rhythm. What can be a more tranquil situation than being your own person while enjoying the sense of togetherness. Last of all, stop playing the child. Cease finding sadomasochistic pleasure in clinging on to yourself as a child. That child whose mommy is always admonishing for not drinking enough milk...(And yes, one more thing, do not please do not treat this as a self-help manual!)

Before signing off this may be of help: Parenthood all of us generally experience it. So let us learn from the past, and shape the present and future to the best of our experience. History repeats itself, that we know. That, however, does not mean it has to replicate itself down to the last battle.