Net picking

Who has the bravest men?

THERE was a meeting called for the highest ranking officers of all the armed forces of the United States. A heated discussion ensued about who had the bravest men.

The General of the Army said "I have the bravest men, watch this: "Soldier get in here"

"Sir, yes sir" with a snappy salute.

"I want you to shoot yourself in the foot with this pistol"

"Sir, yes sir" The soldier takes the pistol, points it at his foot, pulls the trigger and BANG - shoots himself right in the foot.

"That will be all son, go see the Doctor"

"Sir, yes sir"

The General of the Marines said "That was pretty brave, but watch this!

Marine front and center"

"Sir, yes sir" with that springboard type of salute that only a Marine can give. The Marine General throws a live grenade into the corner and said: "Marine, you better save our lives."

No questions asked, the Marine jumps on the grenade and is blown to smithereens.

General of The Air Force said "That was pretty brave but come aboard my super airplane C5A and I’ll show you brave"

So everyone goes up into the wild blue yonder and when the airplane is about a 10,000 feet up in the Air the General yells "Airman Jump."

"Sir, yes sir" No Chute, no question, the airman jumps and falls all the way back to earth and splats on the ground.

The Admiral of the Navy said" that was pretty brave but come abroad my super Aircraft Carrier USS America and I’ll show you brave"

So everyone goes onboard the USS America, everyone is standing on the flight deck and the Admiral says "See that seaman way at the top of the mast shining brass? Watch this! "Seaman Jump"

"Sir, get lost Sir"

The Admiral turns around and said now that’s brave!

Trying to win a Nobel Prize

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

The watch dog!

Harold’s new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and asks for a Doberman.

The employee said, "If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you." The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle.

Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You’re kidding, right?

"The employee says, "No, this dog is special, he knows karate."

"Karate? I don’t believe it," Harold says.

The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And he points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds.

Harold is amazed at this. The employee then says, "Karate the chair."

And he points to a chair in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced.

"I’ll take him," he says. When he gets home he surprises his wife and she laughs and says, "This little thing, a watch dog? No way."

Harold says, "But this dog knows karate."

"Yeah, Karate, my foot!", she exclaims.

Now a Catholic

A Jewish man moves into a strict Catholic neighbourhood. Every Friday, the Catholics practically go crazy — because while they’re eating only fish, the Jew is in his backyard barbecuing steaks. So, the Catholics work on the Jew to convert him.

Finally, by long endurance, the Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and intones, "Born a Jew......Raised a Jew ......Now a Catholic.

"The Catholics are ecstatic; No more delicious, but maddening, smells every Friday evening! But come the following Friday, the scent of barbecue wafts through the neighbourhood. The Catholics all rush to the Jew’s house to remind him of his new diet. They find him standing over the sizzling steak, knife in one hand, his other hand dipping in water. He sprinkles water over the meat, saying, "Born a cow......Raised a cow ......Now a fish!

At the auction

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it only to find out that he can’t talk!"

"Don’t worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

(These jokes have been culled from various sites on the Internet by Sunil Sharma)