Coping with grief

By I.M. Soni

HOW to cope with grief? Can we take a mere philosophical view and pretend that nothing has happened even when we have lost a beloved person?

It is natural to feel anguished when we are struck by losses and tragedies. We cannot be insensitive like stones. Mourning over the death of somebody close to us releases pent up feelings which otherwise fester inside us. That’s why we feel better after crying.

It is unnatural to nurse grief. To grieve for a long time amounts to colouring our life with dark hues, shutting out the bright ones and eclipsing the sunshine of the soul.

Mourning is after all a normal way to deal with grief but weak-willed persons go on wallowing in grief. They spread gloom and wither away because excessive grief causes emotional exhaustion.

Grieving ought to uplift a person and not destroy one’s present and future happiness. Its shadow shoud not be allowed to fall on one’s life.

It is well to bear in mind that grief hollows hearts while it ages heads. Such an emotional enemy ought to be kept at bay. Our way of holding Uthala is symbolic. It is a public demonstration of private sorrow, signifying that mourning is over.

Excessive grief for the dead is unreasonable for it is an injury to the living. Grief is an enemy. It has to be faced, fought and conquered lest it destroys the mourner.

There is a similarity between death and injury. In the beginning, there is only a shocked numbness of disbelief. The agony follows and lingers on.

At this stage people give in to despair and lose the desire to carry on with the tasks of life, or seek refuge in drugs and other artificial stimulants that add to their emotional toxicity.

We should use our physical, mental and spiritual resources, to combat this invasion of our spirits. Friends are important. This, however, does not mean hordes of mourners parroting "so sad". Nor does it mean a train of sob-sisters who mysteriously appear in large numbers, shed dry tears and add to our agony.

Life, like the proverbial "show," must go on. A blow given by destiny tests our inner resources. The initial shock wears off, tears are shed, and consoling friends drift away.

Life is emptier but it does not stop. Time cannot fill the void. It can heal wounds but it cannot hide the scars.

To live means to feel and feeling must entail pain as well as pleasure, grief as well as joy. Acceptance of life means acceptance of all types of emotions, the sweet along with the bitter. No one can say, "I will have only the sweet." The bitter too is part of life. And destiny favours both equally.

The element of fortitude increases. We are never ourselves after we have experienced grief. We are different, stronger and deeper.

Deliberately avoiding dark emotions is not helpful because it keeps the focus on the target. This may actually make things worse. Cry and be done with it.

Avoid artificial entertainment. Every attempt to divert only irritates. Wait till the impact of the blow pales. Then amusement may help in dissipating what remains of it.

The only one who can help at times like this is the one who understands you, the one who will not mock your sentiments, the one who can cry with you. It is he alone who can, by choosing the right word or gesture, break the icy ring of gloom.

Look at the other side of sorrow. It has some positive attributes. One is that it humanises the soul. One becomes aware of the immense hidden strength of character one possesses.

Excessive show of grief makes one an object of pity which is the worst of human emotions. No self-respecting person likes to be pitied.

Just as one should not get imbalanced in times of happiness, so should one remain dignified in sorrow. The wholesome philosophy of plunging oneself in uplifting work, holds water. It saves one from brooding.