Netpicking

I never make room for....

A professor was one day walking along a very narrow street when he came face to face with a rival. The street was too narrow for two to pass.

The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said haughtily, "I never make way for fools!"

Smiling, the professor stepped aside and said, "I always do."

Materialistic?

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Jag XK-8 in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver’s door of the Jag. The counsellor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialled 911, and it wasn’t more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Jag, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again. After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Didn’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where’s my Rolex?"

The portrait

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted.

She told the artist: "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex. "

"But you are not wearing any of those things."

"I know," she said. "It’s in case I should die before my husband. I’m sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewellery.

Seeking help

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I’ve got trouble.

Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under ... you got help me, I’m going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I’ll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck’s a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

Overly suspicious

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You’re running around with other women," she charged. "You’re being unreasonable,"

Adam responded. "You’re the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you’re doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," said Eve.

Why computers and toddlers are alike

1) They have limited memory

2) You must tell them specifically what you want them to do

3) You must repeat instructions several times

4) There is no guarantee they will do as you want them to

5) They lose things

6) Adding items can be difficult

7) Networking is unpredictable and problematic

8) They throw temper tantrums

(These jokes have been culled from various sites on the Internet by Roopinder Singh.)