Netpicking

Peach brandy

A MINISTER of a city church enjoyed a few drinks, but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday.

In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister’s embarrassment.

The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches... and for the spirit in which they were given!"

Hot day

It was a really hot day at the office. There were about 20 people in close quarters and everyone was sweating, even with a fan on. All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle their noses at an odour passing through the air.

It was the most hideous smell anyone had ever smelt. One man said, "Uh oh, someone’s deodorant isn’t working."

A man in the corner replied, "It can’t be me. I’m not wearing any."

Out of gas

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:

"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

Dorm fine

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

You owe me

A butcher was minding his store one day, when a dog ran in and stole a cut of meat off his counter. The butcher recognised the dog as belonging to his neighbour who was a lawyer. He called up his neighbour and said "Your dog stole meat from my store. I believe you owe me for the meat." The lawyer said, " You are correct. How much was the meat?"

The butcher told him that it cost $4.50, the lawyer replied that he should receive a check for that amount in the mail the next day. The next day, the check arrived in the mail for $4.50, with a bill attached for $150 "for legal consultation".

Microsoft tech

Q. How do you get a Microsoft Tech to change a light bulb?

A. You can’t, When Microsoft discover they have a blown light bulb they will just change the industry standard to darkness.

(These jokes have been culled from various sites on the Internet by Roopinder Singh.)