Net picking

The bus driver’s award

ONE snowy Saturday, Jerry was having a coffee with his friend Matt, a city bus driver. "What’s new at transit, Matt?"

"I got a commendation the other day."

"Congratulations. What did you do?", Jerry asked.

"Well, Tuesday, just after the start of my first run of the day, a drunk got on the bus and fell asleep. After watching people avoid the seats near the drunk for one and a half loops of my run, I finally took the man and dragged him off the bus."

Jerry was shocked. "You got a commendation for throwing a poor drunk off the bus and into a snowbank?"

"No, no.", Matt replied. "On my next run I noticed the drunk was still lying in the snow so I dragged him back into the warmth of the bus. Someone saw me do that and phoned it in."

It’s dark Mommy

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.

The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don’t want to go out there. It’s dark."

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don’t have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He’ll look after you and protect you."

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he’s out there?"

"Yes, I’m sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called,

"Jesus? If you’re out there, would you please hand me the broom?"

The weather man?

It is two o’clock in the morning and a husband and his wife are asleep when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and says, "Hello? How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" promptly slamming the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"
The husband replies, "I don’t know, it was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."

The wreck

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.

"You can understand what I’m saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?

"Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.

"Yes," nodded the Monkey.

"What else?" asked the officer.

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth, sucking inward quickly.

"They were smoking marijuana too?" said the officer.

"Yes," the monkey nodded.

"What were you doing during all this?" asked the Officer.

"Driving," motioned the monkey

You can never lose this golf ball

A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!"

The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?"

"It’s a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose it!"

"Whattaya mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?"

"No problem," says the salesman. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it."

"Well, what if you hit it into the woods?"

"Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed."

"Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?"

"No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I’m telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!"

The golfer buys it at once. "Just one question," he says to the salesman. "Where did you get it?"

"I found it."

The rope

There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane. Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette.

They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn’t then the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, "I’ll get off."

After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would get off, all of the blondes started clapping.

Problem solved.

(These jokes have been culled from various sites on the Internet by Sunil Sharma)