Saturday, March 4, 2000
N E T  P I C K I N G


Test

TWO young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the job to the other applicant."

"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.

"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.

 

"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question No. 5, ‘I don’t know.’ You put down, ‘Neither do I.’"

Dinner guest

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn’t go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that." replied the nonchalant husband.
"Then why on Earth did you invite a friend for supper?" said the infuriated wife.
"Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married."

The gold watch

A judge was instructing the jury that a witness was not necessarily to be regarded as untruthful because he changed his statement after he gave it to the police.

"For example," he said, "when I entered my chambers today, I was positive that I had my gold watch in my pocket. But then I remembered that I left in on my nightstand in my bedroom."

When the judge returned home that evening, his wife asked him "Why so much urgency for your watch? Isn’t sending three men to pick it up for you a bit extreme?"

"What?" said the judge, "I didn’t send anyone for my watch, let alone three people. What did you do?"

"I gave it to the first one," said the wife, "he knew exactly where it was."

Newlywed

The reception had ended and the newlyweds had just sneaked off to the honeymoon resort. After supper and champagne, the groom retired to the bedroom. But the bride pulled a chair up to the balcony doors and sat there, gazing at the stars.

"Dear," asked the somewhat impatient husband. "Aren’t you coming to bed?" "No," she announced. "My mother told me this was going to be the most beautiful night of my
life, and I don’t want to miss a single minute of it."

Blonde hail stones

A blonde woman was driving her car home one night when she suddenly found herself in the middle of a really bad hailstorm. The hailstones were as big as golf balls, and her car got dented up really bad. The next day, she took her car into a repair shop to have the dents examined. The repairman, noticing that she was blonde and quite dingy when she spoke, decided to have some fun. He told her to blow into the tailpipe of the car really hard when she got home, as this would cause all of the dents to pop out. When she got home, she started blowing into the tailpipe as hard as she could, over and over. Just then, her best friend, who also is blonde, showed up. Her friend saw her blowing into the tailpipe and was quite startled by the action. She blurted out flippantly, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe real hard so that the dents would pop out. Her girlfriend said, "Uh! You need to roll up the windows first!"

Two quarters

Several years ago a mother gave her son 2 quarters. One was for his Sunday School offering. The other was for an ice cream cone on the way home from Sunday School.

Well, Billy was flipping one quarter in the air and catching it on the way down. This happened 8 times or so when all of a sudden the quarter was flipped into the air, but Billy missed catching it. It rolled down the storm sewer and was gone.

Billy looked skyward and prayed, "Sorry, God, that was your quarter."

In the army

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain. "What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?" "Throw out an anchor, sir." "What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?" "Throw out another anchor, sir." "And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?" "Throw out another anchor." "Hold on," said the Captain, "where are you getting all your anchors from?" "From the same place you’re getting your storms, sir."

Don’t you have a bigger chicken?

A meat counter clerk, who had had a particularly good day, proudly flipped his last chicken on a scale and weighed it. "That will be $6.35," he told the customer. "That really is a little too small," said the woman. "Don’t you have anything lar er?" Hesitating, but thinking fast, the clerk returned the chicken to the refrigerator, paused a moment, then took it out again. "This one," he said faintly, " will be $6.65." The woman paused for a moment, then made her decision. "I know what," she said, "I’ll take both of them!"

The picture diet

I remember one time when I was home visiting my folks. My mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risqué picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily clad young woman.

"Mom, what’s this?" I asked. "Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat," she answered.

"Is it working?" I asked.

"Yes and no," she explained. "I’ve lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"

Where is your wife?

A guy was known among his friends to be very brief and to the point - he really never said too much.

One day, a saleswoman promoting a certain brand of brushes knocked his door and asked to see his wife, so the guy told her that she wasn’t home.

" Well," the woman said " could I please wait for her?"

The man directed her to the drawing room and left her there for more than three hours.

After feeling really worried, she called out for him and asked," May I know where your wife is?"

" She went to the cemetery," he replied.

"And when is she coming?"

"I don’t really know," he said. "She’s been there eleven years now."

(These jokes have been culled from various sites on the Internet by Sunil Sharma)

This feature was published on February 26, 2000