Saturday, May 6, 2000

Follow instructions

KATHY was the world’s worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got married, her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers that had all the latest gadgets on it. The salesman carefully explained how everything worked. "First, you plug it in and set the timer. Then, when you wake up in the morning, you’ll have a fresh pot of coffee." A few weeks later, Kathy was back in the store and the salesman asked her how she liked the coffee maker. "It’s wonderful," she remarked, "but there’s one thing I just don’t understand. Why is it that I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"

Total commitment

A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala charity event was taking place. Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each

Make a contribution. "Great idea!" the chicken cried. "Let’s offer them ham

And eggs?"

"Not so fast," said the pig testily. "For you, that’s a

contribution. For me, it’s a total commitment."


Lifelong ambition

In a traffic court of a large midwestern city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to his honour that she was a schoolteacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case so she could get to the school on time. A wild gleam came into the judge’s eye. "You are a schoolteacher, eh?" he continued, "Madam, I shall realise my lifelong ambition. I’ve waited years to have a schoolteacher in this court. Sit down at that table and write ‘I went through a red light’ five hundred times!"

Never get caught

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No." The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

Home visit

A doctor was awakened at four in the morning by a caller who demanded to know how much he charged for a house call.
"Twenty-five dollars," muttered the sleepy physician.
"How much is an office visit?" demanded the caller.
"Fifteen dollars."
"Okay, doctor," said the caller. "I’ll meet you in your office in fifteen minutes."


The divorce proceedings had been long, contentious, and extremely heated.

Finally, the husband’s attorney rose for one last try at a no-alimony divorce.
"Your Honour," he said, "My client sincerely believes his wife is just being ridiculous. Why, most women would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry; and on the day in question, he was only opening the door for her out of chivalry." "Counsellor," replied the judge, "I am granting the divorce and the settlement Mrs. Smith is asking in its entirely. I simply cannot believe chivalry was the motivation for your client opening that car door—while he was driving down the freeway at 65 mph.""

Interesting proposition

Smith was seated comfortably in his living room one evening when a rock crashed through the window and landed at his feet, amidst a shower of splintered glass. To the rock was attached a note: "Unless you pay us $10,000 according to instructions, we will kidnap your wife." After some thought, Smith sat down at his desk and penned a reply: "Gentlemen, Your rock of this date has been received. I don’t have $10,000 at this time. However, keep in touch, as your proposition interests me..."

Give me my change

A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender tells him he owes $4. "But I paid, don’t you remember?" says the customer. "Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did." The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can’t keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then ruses in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I’ll take your word for it." Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose." "Don’t bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I’ll be on my way."

(These jokes have been culled from various sites on the Internet by Sunil Sharma)

This feature was published on April 29, 2000