Saturday, June 10, 2000
N E T P I C K I N G


"Scientific proof"

PERHAPS you’ve heard of the man who thought he was dead, when in reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the man he was still alive. Nothing seemed to work. Finally, the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded to show the patient that dead men don’tbleed.

After hours of tedious study, the patient seemed convinced that dead men don’t bleed. "Do you now agree that dead men don’t bleed?" the doctor asked. "Yes, I do," the patient replied. "Very well, then," the doctor said. He took out a pin and pricked the patient’s finger. Out came a trickle of blood. The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?"
"Oh, my goodness!" the patient exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger. "Dead men do
bleed!"

 

"Competition"

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read ‘BEST DEALS.’ He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading ‘LOWEST PRICES.’ The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read... ‘MAIN ENTRANCE’

Magic wall

A boy and his Father visiting from a third world country were at an American shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his Father, "What is this Father?". The Father responded, "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is!". While the boy and his Father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out. The Father said to his son, "Go get your Mother".

Drawing God

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s artwork. As she came to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I’m drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied: "They will in a minute."

Have patience

In the supermarket was a man was pushing a cart that contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don’t get excited, Albert. Don’t scream, Albert. Don’t yell, Albert. Keep calm, Albert." A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your little son Albert." The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I’m Albert."

The challenge

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If you don’t mind me asking’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

(The jokes have been culled from various sites on the Internet by Sunil Sharma)

This feature was published on May 20, 2000