Saturday, February 17, 2001

Evils of liquor

Joe’s chemistry teacher wanted to teach his ninth grade class a lesson on the evils of liquor so he produced a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Observe" he told his class as he began to put one of the worms in the glass of water. This worm swam about freely and looked as happy as can be. He then put the second worm in the glass of whiskey and it to swam about for a moment but then started to shake and fell to the bottom dead.
"Now" he asked "What lesson can we learn from this experiment?" "That’s easy," replied Joe. "Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms."


God was in the process of creating the universe. And he was explaining to his subordinates: ‘Look everything should be in balance. For every 10 deer there should be a lion. Look here my fellow angels, here is the country of the United States. I have blessed them with prosperity and money. But at the same time I have given them insecurity and tension.


And here is Africa. I have given them beautiful nature. But at the same time, I have given them climatic extremes. And here is south America. I have given them lots of forests. But at the same time, they have lesser land so that they would have to cut off the forests. So you see fellows, everything should be in balance.’
One of the angels asked, ‘God, what is this beautiful country here?’ God said, ‘Aha...that is the crown piece of all. My India. My most precious creation. It has understanding and friendly people. Sparkling streams, serene mountains. A culture which speaks of the great tradition that they live. Technologically brilliant and yet with a heart of gold...’
The angel was quite surprised, ‘But God you said everything should be in balance.’
God replied ‘Look at the neighbours I gave them!’


A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road all going to the local constituency to battle out the coming elections. Sudden the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field. Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to see what happened. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians into it. The next day the local police came to the scene to investigate. The police inspector saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer, "You buried all of them... but were they all dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how these politicians lie!"

Close shave

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

Memory clinic

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques-visualization, association-it has made a big difference for me."

"That’s great! What was the name of that clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn’t remember.

Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that’s it!" He turned to his wife..."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?

The frail rope

There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength. Obviously, the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying.

One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed. With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope.

The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."

Use Gillette

The USSR Prime Secretary ordered the soviet scientists to build a telescope he could use to watch the Americans. So they built and it was beautiful. When Brejnev came to test it, he looked thru it and saw a big city with lots of skyscrapers.
He said, "Is this the New York? Where’s that building they call Empire State?" The scientists pushed some buttons and the Empire State building came to be seen. "What are those large photos on that building?" asked Brejnev. The scientists pushed more buttons, and the large photos that came into focus turned out to be those of Marx, Engels and Lenin; the grandfathers of communism.
"Hey, what happened to the Americans? Are they crazy, showing large photos of our Communist Fathers on their streets? Show me what the text below says." More buttons pushed revealed the text below the photos: "Don’t grow beards like these! Use Gillette!"

(Culled from the Net by Sunil Sharma)