|Saturday, April 14, 2001||
An airline pilot was telling about a particular flight where he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy that required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."
He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why no Ma’am, what is it?"
"Did we land or
were we shot down?"
Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: "There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:
"Will I be acquitted?"
A man was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced
in. The neighbor kept talking about chickens being great creatures, and as
such they had the right to go where they wanted. The man was having no luck keeping the chickens out of his flowerbeds, and he had tried everything.
Two weeks later, on a visit a friend noticed his flowerbeds were doing great. The flowers were beginning to bloom.
So the friend asked him how he managed to keep the birds away. "How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard?"
"One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me gather them. I wasn’t bothered after that."
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our
drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all; and all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I’m referring to? You, sir, in the first
row, please give us your idea."
The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake?"
Larry’s barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.
Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money."
The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn’t work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we’ll provide you with another barn, just like the original one."
There was a long pause, and then Susan replied, "If that’s how it works, I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband."
Bernie was invited to his friend’s home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names."
Morris hung his head and whispered," To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."
(These jokes have been culled from
the Net by Sunil Sharma)