|Saturday, May 19, 2001||
A visitor drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."
A man travelling on a train asked the ticket collector what time the train stops at Victoria.
"This train doesn't stop at Victoria, it's the express."
"You are joking! I need to get off at Victoria!"
"Sorry sir. This train will not stop at Victoria."
"There must be something you can do."
"Well there is one thing ..."
"What? Anything! I need to get off!"
"Well, I'll get the driver to slow down and I'll dangle you out of the door and lower you onto the platform."
"My God! Will that work?"
"It's worth a try."
The train approaches the platform at 50 mph. The ticket collector hangs the man in mid-air out of the door. The man starts running! The man is running in mid-air.
"Run faster! Run faster!" The ticket collector lowers the man down.
The man's feet touch the platform! Smoke flies of his shoes and his heel comes off. The man is running for his life!
The ticket collector lets go. The man is running at 30mph!
He's made it! He begins to slow down. He's still running at 20mph alongside the train as the other passengers watch in amazement. As the last carriage goes by, a hand grabs the man by the shirt collar and lifts him back onto the train.
As he's being pulled into the carriage, he hears a voice say...
"You're lucky I was
here to help! This train doesn't even stop at Victoria!"
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked,
"What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
A group of U.S. soldiers arriving in Macedonia found themselves taking a surprise refresher course on first aid. Following an involved lesson on making splints, dressing wounds and applying tourniquets to stop bleeding, the instructor decided to determine how well the class had grasped the information given.
"Jones," he said, pointing to one of the solders, "if your platoon leader sustains a head injury during a cross-country march, what do you do about it?"
"That's easy, sir," said Jones. "I wrap a tourniquet around his neck and tighten it until the bleeding stops."
A very stingy man was looking for a gift to buy a friend. Everything was too expensive except for a glass vase that had been broken, which he could purchase for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it, hoping his friend would think it had been broken in transit.
In due time, his friend sent him an acknowledgement. "Thanks for the vase," it read. "It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece individually."
These jokes have been culled from
various sites on the Net by Sunil Sharma