|Saturday, February 23, 2002||
A young man, an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare oneafternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he too was golfing alone. Not having any reason to say no, he invited the old fellow to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but moved along quite consistently and didn't waste time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball, directly between the ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I played this course many, many times. Even had a lie similar to yours. Back then, I hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the younger man gave it his best. He took a mighty swing, hit the ball up, and right back down. He'd hit it directly into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back to the ground, not more than a foot from where it had originally been. Taking a deep breath, he tried again. Same result. Another deep breath, another try, same result. "Damn," he exclaimed, "How did you ever get the ball over this freaking tree?"
The old man replied,
"Well, when I was your age that pine tree was only about 3 feet
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him. "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases the speed to 60 mph.
"I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.
"I want the house also." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 75 mph.
"I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster and faster, now he's up to 85 mph. "And I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards."
The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling as the speedometer reaches 90 mph. "You're taking this incredibly calmly," the wife says. "Isn't there anything that you want?"
"No, I have everything I need."
Three women were sitting around and bragging about their children. The first one says, "You know, my son, he graduated first in his class from Stanford. He's now a doctor, making $250,000 a year in Chicago."
The second woman says, "You know my son, he graduated first in his class from Harvard. he's now a lawyer, making half a million dollars a year and he lives in Los Angeles."
The last woman says, "You know my son, he never did too well in school. He never went to any university but he now makes one million dollars a year in New York working as a sports repairman."
The other two women ask "What is a sports repairman?"
The woman then replies, "He fixes games... you know, hockey games, football games, cricket games...."
Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centres, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.
After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother. Instead, he goes straight to his room and starts studying. Books and papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for some time, day after day, while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room to study. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"
Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head. "No", he says.
"Well then", she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, what was it?".
Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.
Two blondes and a brunette were walking down the beach when a seagull dumps a load on one of theblondes. The brunette says, "I'll go and get some toilet paper."
When she left, one blonde turns to the other and says, "Boy, is she ever stupid. By the time she gets back, that seagull will be miles away."
(Culled from the Net