|Saturday, April 20, 2002||
A man working at a lumber yard is pushing a saw through a tree when he accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He rushes to the emergency room of a nearby hospital where the doctor takes a look and says, "Yikes! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."
"I haven't got the fingers," the man said. The doctor says, "What! Do you mean you didn't bring them with you? This is the age of medical advances. We've got microsurgery and all sorts of incredible techniques! Why didn't you bring me the fingers?"
"Well, doctor! I tried, but I couldn't pick them up!"
A lawyer was on his deathbed in his bedroom and he called to his wife. She rushed in and said, "What is it, honey?" He told her to run and get the Bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea. So she ran and got it, prepared to read him his favorite verse or something of the sort. He snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting right and left. The wife was curious and asked him, "What are you doing, honey?"
He simply replied,
"I'm looking for loopholes!"
This drunk gets on a bus and asks the driver how long the trip between Limerick and Cork will take. "About two hours," says the conductor.
"OK," says the drunk "then how long is the trip between Cork and Limerick?"
The irate driver says to the drunk "It's still about two hours. Why would you think there would be a difference?"
"Well," says the drunk, "It's only a week between Christmas and New Year, but it's a long time between New Year and Christmas!"
God is missing!
A couple had two little boys, aged 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy scheduled to see the clergyman in the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?". The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more, shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?" ? The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in big trouble this time, dude. God is missing — and they think we did it!"
Culled from the Net