Drunk?

A man decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2 am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake up his wife, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his rear terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and sure enough he had some bad cuts down there. Well, he repaired the damage as best as he could under the circumstances, and went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, where did you go last night?" she said. "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied, "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

A young couple were having their first fight, and it was a big one. After a while, the husband said: "When we got married, you promised to love, honour and obey."

His bride replied: "I know. But I didn't want to start an argument in front of all those people at the wedding."

A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and the other was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

Whereupon the blonde responded, "What else are you going to name watch- dogs?"

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep. After the job was completed, the boss returned and explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill it up," he ordered.

The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.

The boss snorted, "Honestly! The kind of help you get these days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"

Grandpa and grand-daughter were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God make you, grandpa?"

"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?"

"Yes, He did," the older man answered.

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.

At last she spoke up. "You know, grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex." "But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewellery."

(Culled from the Net by Sunil Sharma)