Saturday, July 3, 2004
The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay.
It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..."
"My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"
"He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday".
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our anniversary. What do you think it means?"
"Youíll know tonight," he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it and found a book entitled The Meaning of Dreams.
During a countywide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, a patrolman signaled a car to pull over to the curb.
When the blonde driver asked why he had been stopped, the officer pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him and asked, "Does your dog have a licence?"
"No," the blonde said, "He doesnít need one."
"Yes, he does," answered the officer.
"But," said the driver, "I always do the driving."
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk. "Well, they feel a bit tight," replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the manís feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," offers the clerk.
"Nath, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth," he says.
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuerís file and called him into his office.
"Mr James, your records and your heroic behaviour indicate that youíre ready to go home. Iím only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didnít kill himself," Mr James replied. "I hung him up to dry."
An investment counsellor realised he needed an in-house counsel, so he began interviewing young lawyers.
"As Iím sure you can understand," he started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." He leaned forward. "Mr Peterson, are you an Ďhonestí lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honesty. Why, Iím so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive..... And what sort of case was that?"
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
Teacher: John, how do you spell Ďcrocodileí?
Kid : K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L
Teacher: No, thatís wrong.
Kid: Maybe itís wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
Fisherman: "Hey, pal! You've been standing there watching me fish for three hours! Why don't you get a rod and do some fishing yourself?"
Onlooker: "No, thanks. I don't have the patience for it."
A woman, on meeting a psychologist at a party, made a pitch for some free professional advice. "What kind of toy would you suggest giving a little boy on his third birthday?" she asked.
"First I'd have to know more about the child," the psychologist hedged. The woman took a deep breath. "He's very bright and quick-witted and exceptionally advanced for his age," she said. "He has good coordination, expresses himself very well..."
"Oh, I see," the psychologist said, "It's YOUR child."
ó Compiled by Sunil