Saturday, January 28, 2006

Deadly bite

"I was married three times," explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner," and Iíll never marry again. My first two wives died of eating poisonous mushrooms and my third wife died of a fractured skull." "Thatís horrible," said his friend, "how did it happen?" "She wouldnít eat the mushrooms!"

Planned life

Two senior ladies met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organised in school ó how did you manage to live a well-planned life?" "Well," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now Iím married to an undertaker." Asked the friend, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?" "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go."

Heavenly thought

A Sunday schoolteacher asked the children in her class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?" "No!" the children answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?" Again the answer was "No!" "Well", she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You got to be dead!"

Some plain-speaking

Soon after their last child left home for college, the husband was resting next to his wife on the couch with his head in her lap.

She carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," she said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."

"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good, too!"

Gender check

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies," he responded. "Oh. Killed any?" she asked. "Yep, three males and two females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell which is which?"

He responded, "three were on a beer can and two were on the phone!"

Seven-year itch

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. Heís allowed to say only two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask him for his two words.

"Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass and they bring him in for his two words.  He clears his throat and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass and they bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "Thatís not surprising," the elders say, "youíve done nothing but complain since youíve been here!"

ó Compiled by Sunil Sharma