This Above all
No humour please, we are Indian
Khushwant Singh

Come to think of it we Indians are the world’s biggest humbugs. We enjoy making fun of others but do not like others making fun of us. Our humour is restricted to ethnic jokes about sardarjis, Marwaris, mian bhais, Bawajis (Parsis), Makapaons (Goan Christians), Mirasis etc. And we have far too many self-appointed censors of morals who take umbrage at the slightest indiscretion committed by anyone and sanctimoniously pronounce fatwas on them. Two recent examples are Shilpa Shetty being warmly hugged by a white man and Mandira Bedi, a Sikh having Ek Onkar tattooed on her back. One has been taken to court, the other ticked off by the Jathedar of the Golden Temple. Pathetic.

All is not so grim in the Indian world of humour. There is a new publication Whitewash: The tabloid that is, about the Indian that isn’t (Vivek). It is authored by architect Gautam Bhatia and illustrated by Nilanjana Dass and Arup Giri. Its format is that of a periodical — so I hope there will be other issues to follow. I suspect it derived inspiration from Britain’s fortnightly Private Eye which holds nothing sacred. In every issue it goes for the royalty, the Prime Minister and his colleagues, the Church, the rich and pretentious. It is littered with four letter words— bugger being the most harmless of the lot. Its often hauled up in court for libel and forced to pay heavy damages. Its admirers bail it out.

A European, probably Sir David Ochterlony (1758-1825), in Indian dress, smoking a hookah and watching a nautch in his house at Delhi. By a Delhi artist, C 1820

Bhatia knows his limitation and yet manages to make fun about everything Indian. He starts with a competition for the ugliest Indian politician. Entrants are Lalu Yadav, Karunanidhi, Harkishen Singh Surjeet and Chandra Babu Naidu. He goes on to modern buildings dug out of volcanic ash: India Gate, Connaught Circus, Le Meridien and others. He has ads of ayurveda and yunani medicines to commit suicide and a "Do-it-yourself" electric chair — press a button and hey presto you are in Baikunth. There is a Parsi sperm bank to keep the race going. A lot of matrimonials, including some by animals: "An ageing lion, good looking from a distance, with golden mane, seeks lioness for roaring business. Leave messages at Gir Forest Rest House, Gujarat." Not to be left out is a monkey: "Large baboon of the langoor caste, wellsettled on deodar tree, self-owned in Shimla, fully pledged snatch-and-eat banana on the Mall Road." And so on.

For a fun read you won’t find anything funnier.

Sahibs and nautch girls

Pran Nevile is versatile. Having finished with diplomatic assignments and globe-trotting he’s got down to putting his reminiscences on paper. His first love is Lahore, the city in which he was born and educated. So he writes a nostalgic Lahore: A Sentimental Journey. Of Lahore, his most vivid memories are of its red light district Heera Mandi known to locals as Tibbi. It has survived onslaughts of puritanical mullahs and dictatorial regimes and continues to flourish. Many students of his alma mater Government College, which is a few minutes walking distance from Heera Mandi, continue to happily surrender their virginity there as they did in his days. I raise a toast to Tibbi Bazaar.

As he aged, Pran Nevile went in from whores to nautch girls and courtesans who entertained British rulers and rajas. So he wrote books about them. Now that his appetite has mellowed a little, he has come up with a profusely illustrated coffee tabler: Marvels of Indian Painting: Rise and Demise of Company School (Nevile Books). There is really nothing very marvellous about Company School paintings executed between 1775 and 1890. By and large, they are static with more attention paid to dress, jewellery drapery, borders, uniforms with most characters looking sideways. You cannot discern any animation or expressions on their faces: no smiles, frowns or sadness — simply dead-pan blank stares.

They were not artists but craftsmen. That is why their drawings of birds like kestrels, hawks and kites are more lifelike in the style of Audbon prints of birds than of humans. For good measure, but without excuse, Pran Nevile has inserted a few paintings from Ajanta and earlier times. It is a good coffee tabler to establish your cultural pretensions.

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