An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and whispers to her husband: “I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?”
He replies: “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”
When an applicant asked if the company had a fitness programme, the human resources manager replied: “Oh, our employees don’t need one. They are routinely jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, beating around the bush, running down the boss, going around in circles, dragging their feet, dodging responsibility, passing the buck, climbing the ladder, wading through paper work, pulling strings, throwing their weight around, stretching the truth, bending the rules, stabbing others in their backs and pushing their luck.”Get the message
There was a flood in a village. One man said to everyone, “I’ll stay, God will save me!”
The flood got higher and a boat came and the man in it said, “Come on mate, get in.”
“No”, replied the man, “God will save me”.
The flood got very high now and the man had to stand on the roof of his house.
A helicopter soon came and the man offered him help.
“No, God will save me,” he said.
Eventually he died by drowning. He got by the gates of heaven and asked God, “Why didn’t you save me?”
God replied, “For goodness sake! I sent a boat and a helicopter. What more do you want?”Last request
A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short. The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me — is our youngest son my child?”
The wife replied, “I swear on everything that’s holy that he is your son.”
With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, “Thank God! he didn’t ask about the other three.”
Compiled by Sunil Sharma